This Glass is Officially Half Full

I am officially 20 weeks and the suspense of finding out Baby Ps Gender is killing me! I am not going to tell you the date I find out, because I don’t need everyone I know calling me that whole day, but I will tell you I will reveal to you within 72 hours of our ultrasound. I will also say that it is still a long enough wait that I am sleepless with anticipation. 

So far so good on the baby baking home front. Little Bean has been hyperactive as expected, based on his/her paternal genes. With each appointment. and ultrasound baby P has been flipping and dancing about and the heart-rate is loud and rapidly steady. My gut instinct tells me he is a she, but Hubby is expecting (as all dads do) his little boy. Either way we are happy to know it’s a healthy pregnancy and however this story ends we will be far more “complete” at the end of it.

I have had the pleasure of bidding farewell to the nasty morning sickness that plagued me (as long as I maintain a steady intake of diclectin that is) and food appeals to me once again, though I haven’t had any “Cravings” to claim, because now I am just rehabilitating my steady eating pattern. I have however, been introduced to a whole new pregnancy symptom, Anxiety! I should mention that in my state of dismal illness and the accelerated scent of smell I took a fit regarding our stained, worn-out, stinky carpet so we tore up nearly 800sq/ft of it in our house, which means… now at 5 months pregnant our bedrooms, hallways, and main staircase are down to the subfloor and we have a baby on the way. So…. A whole new freak-out has been upon me; how will we afford this? Where will we find the time to get it done? What kind of flooring do we want now? And poor hubby is left thinking “Why did I listen to this irrational pregnant women in the first place, the carpet was perfectly fine!”  Regardless, this is where we are at, and I am ready to nest… but I have no nursery to nest in, AND it’s another two week wait for the hardwood that we ordered for the floors. I have maintained a steady stream of purging, getting rid of hard cornered coffee tables, and pretty home accents that in the hands of a child morph into dangerous weapons, this is sensible right? I know my husband thinks I have gone sort of crazy, except for the fact that I have sold most of my purged goods to fund some of the baby expenses. (Bonus!)

My plans were to keep this blog updated so I could adequately document the stages of this pregnancy, however, with all this stress (and working 12hr shifts) there has been so much else to think about. Besides all that, up until now I have felt sort of silly connecting with this pregnancy.  What I mean is that I love the idea of talking to and caressing my belly, but for the first four months I just felt like a chubster talking to my rolls (If you have been pregnant before I am sure you know what I mean).  I could have acquired the pregnant waddle in the first stages too (God knows my back pain warranted it) but then I would have left people wondering what I had stuck up my a**, it just isn’t the same without the belly! I have driven by the empty “women with child” parking spot many times, but felt too silly and capable to use it, and I still lift and pull and strain because I don’t want anyone thinking I’m a wuss. It’s only been this month that I have begun to feel ‘connected’ afterall my belly has extended past my breasts, and the faint marks of distress on my skin make it hard to ignore. Hubby has also taken an interest in reading childrens books to my bump, and baby responds with forceful pokes from within my belly.  Oh… and how can I forget the sleepless nights, I was thrilled to begin a month of night shifts in the new year, only to find I can’t sleep during the day either! Not to complain, but this growing sac of fluid in my belly feels like a second bladder and all I want to do is pee, even when my actual bladder is empty. When I lay down on my stomach (as I am used to sleeping) it feels like there is a lump between my hips, and when I side sleep (as recommended) my belly tilts toward the bed and strains my ligaments in an uncomfortable manner. The worst of it all is the restless leg syndrome that I seem to have acquired so even when I am comfortable my leg can’t stop dancing across the bottom of the bed. My overly cuddly dogs have even noticed, as they now avoid my side of the bed altogether.

On the bright side (and with pregnancy its always brighter), I have been scouring buy, sell, and swap sites and have scored the majority of my baby goods for less than $1500, which has so far translated to a savings of over $2500. Gathering everything from vintage/antique pieces to modern day new and unused items, but of course it’s difficult to fully appreciate when they are piled upon each other in our storage room anxiously awaiting the hardwood floors in the nursery. 

So this is where I am at; living in a construction zone, getting bigger by the day, and emotionally unstable (did I mention that part?), but I am wearing a smile, because this little “Bean” is a blessing in the truest form, and we are building a solid foundation in which to raise it… regardless of which gender is revealed on Jan….

Haha, and you thought I was going to tell you!!!!

Much love,

Lesleigh

My Grown Up Christmas

So its Christmas time again, which marks a time of giving, love,  and spending time with family. But this year I can’t help but reflect on the sadness surrounding this particular Christmas season, and for once, it’s not for my own self pity. I am reminded of the preciousness of life as I reflect on the events of the Connecticut school shooting, and imagining that it must be so very difficult for these families to find joy in these next few days. I imagine of those families the parents that have other children must be desperately trying to bury their sadness for the sake of their living children in order to keep the memory of Christmas Magical. I imagine all of the effected families are guilt stricken in the rare moments that they feel a small sense of happiness as their memories return to their young innocent child that was lost. I reflect on my disappointment and my shame in myself for being so internally focused while all this was going on.

I was inspired recently by a radio stations announcement to participate in the “26 acts of kindness”, as a way of building a positive memory of those lost on this day. It was described as a challenge for followers to participate in “26 Acts of Kindness” up until Christmas day, as a way of keeping the memory of this tragedy in a positive light. I was immediately compelled to participate in these acts and find every opportunity to live out these “26 Acts of Kindness” before Christmas came. I was not successful; in fact, I only completed one (very lame) act of kindness. Granted, I made it a much more difficult challenge for myself since I agreed to only count the twenty-six acts that I found to be “Above and Beyond” my usual. For instance, I often hold doors for others and I am polite during interactions with sales people, so neither of these seemed suitable in this instance. I also found that it was often others that scooped up these opportunities of kindness since the Christmas season tends to bring out the softer side of our neighbors. So, my confidence in the kindness of humankind has been restored, if just for a short time, but It was refreshing none-the-less. I wonder then, what will become of our world when the New Year begins? Will we have forgotten all these innocent lives and moved on to our own selfish requests? Will we have forgotten to be kind to others? Will the memory of this tragic event disappear with the more current news of the world?  

I was lucky enough, to have my prayers answered by God, and to be blessed this Christmas with the sense of hope for a brighter tomorrow. I am drawn into the dreams of my future Christmas’ with a growing child, and with each New Year a better experience. I feel selfish as I read back to my former posts; how I have never asked for prayers for others, How I never considered that there may be others out there that deserve their prayers answered before my own. In fact, I follow an inspirational blog called Fertility Doll, about a woman who has been struggling with her infertility, faith, and emotion for five years. I honestly, can’t even imagine how angry I would be had my prayers not been answered by then!! Though, not once, have I mentioned her before, and not once had I asked for prayers in her name. As I approach the beginning of 2013, and reflect on bringing my child into a safer and more thoughtful world I will commit to offering more prayers for others (and not just when their tragedy is pasted on the news) and to continue living out the “26 acts of kindness” in all the ways possible, each and every month, after all who says such a thing needs a deadline?

If you are feeling so inclined I offer this challenge to you as well. I do not plan on posting about these acts of kindness again, because I feel like it is a personal sacrifice of self, and not to be revisited as a bragging right, though I will share with you my growth as a kinder more compassionate self and how I plan on using that knowledge to make me a better mother.  

   

Merry Christmas and Much Love,

XOXO Lesleigh

I've been postless, but NOT CHILDLESS!!! Baby P. ETA June 2013!!!

I have been spending the last couple of months pondering how I was going to bring forth my newest post to the blogger world. I am a creative soul and was driven to make a splash with an inticing headline, and great photo ops that make our news exciting and surprising, but lets face it, the news is surprising regardless. In fact, so much so, that when I first looked at that $18 Clear Blue indicator strip I fell into a state of denial, Hubby did too. For an entire week, perhaps even two we refused to believe the news as I waited day after day for the heatbreak of mother nature to welcome me in a cloak of red. That didn't happen, instead my breasts got tender (untouchable actually), my sense of smell became resemblant of a super power, accompanied by a complete disinterest in pretty much any food in existance. Still, I held firm that this was yet another one of my pseudo-pregnancy reactions as my brain tricked my body into believing the desires of my heart.

I was actually ANGRY, at a time when I should have fallen to my knees with clenched hands and offered up prayers of thankfulness to my God, I was filled with doubt and disbelief. The anger visited me when I realized that I was robbed of that excited moment that most women ( and their partners) get when they first see their big fat positive. I felt cheated and hurt that hubby wasn't jumping through the roof, and that somehow, in all of this infertility mess we lost the ability to be excited about it. We had tentatively made plans to share the news with our families on Christmas; this would buy us plenty of time to come up with something ubber creative, and get us well past the insecurity of the first trimester possibilies. Then a new spin was thrown at us, I was blessed with morning sickness with such angry ambition that I was forced to tell my workmates, which precipitated me telling friends that might possibly hear the rumor from workmates. So, when we knew of this destiny, we privately told our families over Thanksgiving dinner, at a mere 6 weeks gestation. It was a bittersweet moment, because we were excited to share this news, but at the bottom of our announcement lay our doubt, and guilt about sharing the news so potentially, dangerously early, and to top it all off, I was riddled with such nausea I could barely even lift my head from the table, forcing my smile to sit upside down upon my face.Of course, family were thrilled, and offered promises and prayers of a safe and happy pregnancy, some "oh you poor thing"s, and "Don't worry you will start to feel better in a couple of weeks".

Hubby and I continued to reflect on our news the week following the announcement, obviously, the morning sickness (which by the way LASTS ALL DAY AND NIGHT!!!) made this pregnancy real to us, along with now getting daily phone calls from family to remind us of our status as parents-to-be. Slowly the feeling that this is happening crept upon us, and somehow I have lowered my shoulders and started to breathe. After about five visits to local clinics to report that "I was Dying", and a trip to the ER when I suffered dehydration and required IV fluids I finally got in to see my own Doctor. I told him I was glad all this morning sickness was happening to me, because after everything I had been through to get here, at least I was provided with a daily reminder that things were still moving forward as planned. I let go of some of my doubt at that moment, and even more so when we got reports of suspected twins (WHICH IT IS NOT BTW), then I lost more doubt at our ultrasound where baby P danced up a storm and had a strong heatbeat of 160.

Since then, we have begun putting together a small collection of items in preparation, our financial and home related goals reflect baby P's pending arrival (meaning nursery preparation, and last minute home maintanance plans are underway). My disheveled/unhygenic, sickly state has been replaced by a more suitable "pregnancy glow", and my growing belly is currently being dressed in maternity or maternity-type wear. Acne and cold sores are my new frenemies, and food aversions are being replaced by an uncontrollable need to polish off WHOLE pinapples, or obsessions with Great Canadian Bagels. Family and coworkers are starting to recognize my baby bump, and appear to be offended when I wear clothing that disguises it. I have embraced pregnancy and have taken a general interest in educating myself in things like hypnobirthing, Doulas, and placenta encapsulation. My facebook visits are centered around my local mommas-buy-and-sell sites, and check-ins with my June babies pregnancy group. My smile has found its way back to its upright position, and hubby has finally learned to tread lightly around my rapidly changing moods (since now I function on emotional feelings, rather then a need-to-do basis). I have, with an immense amount of help from hubby, caught up on housework that was stationed on the back burner while I hung out with my toilet these past couple of months. Hubs and I have also been bouncing baby names off of each other to add to our growing list, and bets or guesses have been flowing in from those rooting for either team blue or team pink. I am HAPPY!!, a state of being that I have not seen in nearly two years since our battle with infertility first began, and most importantly, I am faithful, that God will provide for us in the way (deep down) I knew he always would.

On a side note, for those left wondering about my decisions regarding fertility specialists noted here. I did intend on seeing the pregnant specialist at the well-known fertility clinic, however, I got my positive test the day before my appt. to which they responded they could no longer see me for fertility issues (understandable) nor had the capacity to follow my pregnancy. So, instead I have moved on to a Midwife, whom I adore and is local to me, and we are very happy with our "Big Decision".

Lastly, I wanted to point out a very key piece of information my followers may or may not be aware of. Previously, my nephew Owen, had given me a life lesson about having babies. To which, he informed me that I needed to be thirty before I would be able to have babies. I will be turning thirty, in twenty days! Children often have wisdom, even adults can not possess! In keeping with my relationship with my nephews here is a suitable poem we have read together by one of my favorite authors;

Listen to the mustn'ts, child.
Listen to the don'ts.
Listen to the shouldn'ts, the impossibles, the won'ts.
Listen to the never haves,
Then listen close to me...
Anything can happen, child.
Anything can be.

-Shel Silverstein

Thankfulness

In the Spirit of our upcoming (Canadian) Thanksgiving, I wanted to make a running list of all the things I am thankful for, because part of this journey is discovering all the wonderful rewards and blessings and focusing less on my misfortunes.

• My loving, wonderful, supportive Husband
• A strong relationship where I can speak my mind, be open, and be me
• The most awesome(est) Family (extended members included), which by the way I got to hang out with yesterday and appreciated every moment
• The very best friends a girl could ask for
• Other then the obvious Infertility issues we both generally have exceptional health
• We have both been blessed (after a lot of hardwork) with great careers that enhance our sense of self worth, encourage us to expand our knowledge, and test our boundries to push us further in life
• The ability to breath
• The ability to live life to the fullest (despite some financial barriers) and live everyday without worry of a dangerous living environment
• A roof over our heads (which also happens to be incredibly comfortable)
• Our dogs, that I have mentioned more then once, really know how to light up my life
• Our upcoming (TWO) turkey dinners that we get to enjoy, PLUS leftovers!!
• The ability to get together as a family and spend some wonderful quailty time together
• Appropriate cold weather attire, and heated interiors (especially thankful to be spending my first cold season with my new heated seats in my truck)
• Support and Encouragement from my friends and family
• Facebook (for keeping in touch with people I otherwise wouldnt even know anymore)
• The ability to think independently, and trust that what I am thinking is appropriate and realistic (after working in Mental Health for 4+ years, I have come to really appreciate that my brian does not play tricks on me, or so I think)
•  Womens rights to a degree (I would still really appreciate the traditional relationships in which women are regarded as loving mothers and houswives and greatly appreciated and understood in that role)
• Choice
• An outlet for my pain in this experience (Aka the Internet/computers/Blogger/and you guys)
• The fascinating progression of nature as summer turns into fall and the beauty that is left to be appreciated
• Watching children sleep
• Watching my husband sleep
• Watching my dogs do all the little funny and completely random things they do (like turn in a cirle a couple of times before lying down, or sighing for no good reason)
• Hiking trails
• The Canadian Healthcare System
• Resources such as libararies and pharmacys, little mom and pop shops, and strong communities (Bowmanville is a pretty awesome community I must say)
• Kind people that put a lot of work and effort into providing for the less fortunate (people who creat/run non-profit organizations, or put together fundraisers)
• Please and Thank you's
• Kindness and compassion
• LOVE
• Culture, laungages, and other interesting Changes that we can experience while travelling to other Countries
• Hammocks (for the ability to feel weightless)
• Text messaging for the ability to keep in touch on the fly
• GPS so we don't waste anymore time getting lost (therefore having more time to spend with long lost friends or family)
• Alarm clocks (sometimes)
• Night shifts and 12 hour shifts (so I don't have to get up early too often
• How this infertility experience has Changed me and my relationship with Shane (In an amazing way)
• Learning
• Surprises, and finding lost things and how amazing that feels
• Experiencing emotions, and learning from them
• Nostalgia
• Sitting under a tree and reading a book
• Sitting in a warm bed and reading a book
• Playing in a pile of leaves (minus the racking part)
• Playing in a pile of snow (minus the shoveling part)
• Decorating for both fall and Christmas (but not at this same time of course)
• LIFE

Now, I challenge you to leave your comment... What are you most thankful for?

Fall Fantasies

There is something about the cold chill and the fall scent in the air that always gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling. I remember feeling this way as a little girl and imagining that one day I would have my own little family, and we would pack up all our food and hibernate like bears through the winter season playing board games and reading books together. As soon as September comes to an end my body and senses are in full nostalgic effect, as I take in all the smells of dry colour-changed leaves, fresh corn, and pumpkin and squash pies. In fact, just today, I woke from an afternoon nap, to find Shane cooking a homemade squash soup, and when I came downstairs I was greeted with lit scented candles filling the air and complimenting the rich odour of the soup. The lights were dim and there was a warmth in the air, I found myself staring around the room thinking how great it would be to have my family established at this moment. I mean to some, bundling up kids in jackets and scarves is a daunting task, but to me its the epitome of fall. There is nothing more that I want during these fun fall seasons then a little family surrounding me. Besides its the season of Thanksgiving, and that is the greatest gift to be thankful after all.

Then on my way to work this evening, I had to stop to pick up an item I bought online from a local homeowner. When I stopped at my destination, I was again reminded of the warmth and peace of fall when I saw their front porch and gardens decked out in fall adornment. When I rang the bell and the door was opened, there inside was a large family sitting around their dining table. I was overwhelmed by the Aura of pumpkin spices and vanilla complemented by warmth invited by the neutral walls and orange accents. It was like a scene out of a magazine, I swear! I can only imagine that this is a typical Sunday dinner for this family, and felt a tiny sting of jealousy before leaving. I got back into my car and began my drive into work, and as I drove I was reciting the words of this blog in my head. I know most of this blog surrounds the imaginings of what could be (if we could actually just have kids in our life), but more then anything FALL brings these desires out in me.

I imagine walking a pram down the street, with my husband and dogs by my side, taking in all the colours of the leaves, as the crisp air leaves a chill in my nose as I breathe. I imagine, adorning my front porch with long corn husks, bales of hay, and pumpkins and gourds, or raking fallen leaves into large piles and jumping through them in joyous laughter. Just thinking about it I can already feel the warmth of my home, and the perfumes of lit candles, and fresh apple cider or pumpkin pie. It is enough to make anyone want to begin a career in baking (or maybe just me). Cuddling under blankets and watching movies are a fall favourite past-time, and wrapping up in woollen scarves to prevent the dreaded cold weather illnesses.

Perhaps maybe I am much too often caught up in a dream world, or maybe I am hopeful and relentless on not giving up on the desires of my heart. Maybe this blog is far-too-often an account of all the things I wish my life could be, but that's who I am and what I do. I like to know (within reason) what is coming up in my near future, I like to plan and prepare, and more importantly, perfect all the things I do in my life and unfortunately for me, each time I try to gain control over this particular endeavour, I am reminded with the next breath that I am not. The only sure thing about our plan for a family, is that none of it is certain. I can only hope and pray, and enjoy the little moments where I am able to escape this reality and imagine an alternative to our life.

And, just because I know he needs to know; Shane you are a part of this life, And all the ones I could possibly imagine for myself. Through all of this heartache and frustration, your love is a welcome constant. Please promise me you will never let me get lost in all my "Could have beens" and remember to appreciate all that I have now.



Big Decisions

I'm sitting here at McDonald's (a place I rarely go to eat) and stressing (the only reason why I would even consider eating McDonalds). Today isn't a good day, well I can't lie, it started out ok, but then I got a phone call from the new fertility clinicI am supposed to be going to. I would have thought this would  be exciting since we just got a referral to a renound fertility clinic and specialists that "can get any woman pregnant" but not today. I found out this morning the wait list for my particular specialist would land me an April appointment, which means no treatment until June or later, or my other option is to take an appt with another specialist in two weeks (ok, better). Still there was a catch, the other specialist is pregnant and due in November, which means even with this route I still won't be doing an treatment until February. So these are the options I'm left with, and I have to say the timelines terrify me. I feel confused and overwhelmed, and like I should be running to my bed and spending the rest of the afternoon crying. I just don't understand how some receptionist could just call me up and casually tell me (like its no big deal) that my life is most definitely going to be on hold until at least February and thats only if I opt for the specialist that I wasn't referred to. It is so much to think about, on one hand I have a Specialist that I am established with, granted there is no "relationship" between us since I am not a fan of his bedside manner and his general lack of interest in investigating our circumstances. You would think this guy would be all over that considering his pre-Gyno career was being a cop. I suppose he traded in metaphorical douchebags for literal ones (sorry for the lame humor). Alternatively, I can go ahead and transfer to the new specialist (that I specifically asked to be referred to based on trusting recommendations) and wait until April for an appointment, or accept his colleague and have my initial assessment during the first week in October, however, my progess will be put on hold for this Dr.s maternity leave and treatments won't start until February. This new clinic, by-the-way also happens to be an hour away which is also a negative. On the plus side, I still have three months of medication from the first specialist to get me through until January, but it still doesn't make my decision anymore definitive.

I keep thinking about the possibility that there is still some undiagnosed problem, and that if I make the decision to stay with Specialist. #1 (my current one) February will creep up without conception, and how I would feel so terrible for not having taken the leap to the new Specialist right now. The new specialist (and renouned fertility clinic) will dive right into all the necessary investigations no matter how painful or invasive, and make all attempts to RULE OUT any issues right away, which would be scary-YES! But also very comforting, because we would finally be able to move on knowing there is or isn't something else to worry about. Specialist #1 barely gives me time to take a seat in the chair in his office before dismissing me from my appointment, so I can't imagine I would be getting anywhere with him anytime soon, and even if I did, I certainly can't imagine him poking and prodding at my maternal body all throughout my pregnancy since he already makes my skin crawl.

Ugh... Even as I am writing this all out I can visualize a chart of pros and cons about each, and it really isnt anymore settling. I know I am leaning toward transferring to the new clinic, I mean this is what I have wanted for the last three months since first learning about it, but It certainly doesn't come without a price, well not literally, YEAH Canadian Healthcare!! I have been doing really well emotionally the past month or month and a half, but I feel like this news has set me back a few notches, and I feel like I am losing hope, Again!

Please.... I am begging you... offer some input, because Shane and I could most definitely use some unbiased opinions.

What Would Life Be Like?

Where would I be today if I got pregnant when we first started trying?? Ever wonder what life would be like if just one thing in your life had been different? What kind of ripple effect it would have on all the other aspects of your life?

I often wonder this myself. I consider what new knowledge I would have gained, or how it would change my routines, and how my everyday thoughts and considerations would be different. How would my relationship with Shane be changed, or the relationships with my friends and family. Life as I know it wouldn't even exist, I would be living in some alternate universe that is likely similar, but yet so distant from this one that is so familiar to me.

If I were pregnant after just a few months of trying I'd likely have conceived in March 2011, and let's just say I had a normal 40 week pregnancy, thus blessing us with a January baby. This would mean Shane and I would now be raising an eight month old baby. I would likely be feeling tired, my body image would be poor, we would likely be grieving our previous life. We would be dying for a "night of freedom" in exchange for our typical night in watching a movie that is frequently disrupted with cries from the baby monitor. We would likely have struggled with intimacy and communication in our relationship as is typical in the first year post-baby. I would be off work, but at this point be exploring my options for daycare and my return to work date since baby is approaching his/her first birthday. Each time I leave the house I would be trekking along the diaper bag,  toys, and snacks, I would be integrating new foods to baby's diet and monitoring his/her reactions to each, this would be the topic of my conversations too, and the highlights of my day. I would be running rampant with the camera still capturing each new movement and the essence of my child's life. I would be posting things like "poor pookies got a runny nose, thank god for backyardigans and mommy cuddles." as my Facebook status. I'd have traded make-up and my hair straightener for frequent diaper changes and load after load of laundry. My anxieties would be changed from work stress to "omg call Telehealth baby licked the dog!!!" I'd have packed up my heels and be wearing more practical footwear. My daily outings would be to local baby groups and stars and strollers matinees. Shane and I would wake throughout the night even when babe is sleeping just to watch him/her breath in those quiet restful moments and to confirm that he/she is actually breathing. Our house wouldn't look anything like the strategically organized, pristine place we know today. We'd have toys and play mats spread about the floors, and be distracted from chores to spend some playtime on the floor with baby. My family would be over daily to see little babe, and the house would be filled comments about how cute and adorable all the things little babe does are. Our dogs would be adapting to this new little being, and might have some minor behavioral issues as a result of coming second to the babe. Every errand we run would become a chore as baby has to be bundled and packed in to the car, I'd have grown new muscles in my arms from swinging the car seat around stores. This is just touching on the amount of difference there would be in our lives.

Even as I write this, I find myself getting lost in this alternate life, imaging with such reality the cries and sounds babe makes, the color of babes eyes, and the way his/hair curls ever so slightly just at the tips. I imagine the smell of his/her skin, and how soft if feels against my face as I kiss him/her to sleep. Most people would say "I can't imagine how different life is going to be when baby arrives" but not me, I can imagine every detail, and sure its not going to be exactly as I depict, but I know I am ready. We have been preparing for this for so long now it is so hard to imagine it not happening. This is why I still hold on to the hope, and still continue to prepare, and when it does happen I will be ready and I most definitely will be In-Love!