Birds, Bees, And A Little Medical Intervention

Spending most of my life in a predominantly female industry I am consistently reminded of the ease in which some women can get pregnant, since with each new day I see yet another coworker with the makings of a baby bump. I was caught in thought the other day and was reminded of how long this process has been, it may not be as long as it feels (and it feels like forever), but I am slowly seeing woman-after-woman filter back into work after their year long maternity leave. I reminisce back to the beginning when I was still naive enough to believe was that all it took was a little of the birds and the bees analogy and I would be preggers. Now I am watching as others are throwing one year birthday parties for their children and reluctantly returning to work in a guilty mood for causing the teary drop-off at the sitters. I just can't help but think, that should have been me! Although, I also can't help but think that I still get to  look forward to a one year hiatus from work. I do feel like this is anniversary of sorts as should I have gotten pregnant back when we first started, we too would be celebrating Baby P's first birthday too.

Despite my little mumble above, I am feeling much, much better. I have been in positive spirits lately and this past month was the first where I didn't count out the days of my cycle, spend every moment thinking about fertility, imagine pregnancy symptoms, or cry. I simply just lived my life as I wished and "let it be". I didn't get pregnant, I didn't even really try, I just enjoyed being, since my own self somehow got smothered under all of this nonsense. I have been able to rediscover me, and I've been working on recognizing what else I'd like to accomplish in life. I am starting a new job in October, mainly in my attempt to remove all unnecessary stressors from my life I will be still at the same facility but I will be on a whole new unit with a lot less political drama. Shane too is on a career curve as he is wrapping up his final year of his electrical apprenticeship and he couldn't be more thrilled to be ending that lengthy chapter in his life. Together, we have finally been back to our general practitioner for a referral to a new fertility specialist, and an appointment is now currently in the works. It will mean a much longer drive for appointments, but to us its a small price to pay for the opportunity to see the most recommended Specialist in the area and a being a part of this state-of-the-art facility.

I recently attended a Baby shower for a cousin, a very cute, perfectly nostalgic Peter Rabbit themed baby girl shower. It was filled with plenty of smiles, food, and games, and the most delicious lemon raspberry cupcakes one could imagine. My mom and I created a fantastically girly, pink and yellow diaper cake complete with all the frilly embellishments.  We got her the expected adorable baby girl outfit, and even splurged a little for the "big sister" their dog. Then it happened my aunt whispered in my ear "Lesleigh, it will be your turn next. I commend you for coming here today", I swallowed hard, as my eyes welled up and I stood stunned as I tried make sense of this. I had come to a point where I was comfortable with what I have been dealt, now I am being reminded that its okay to feel the pain. Up until that point, It never even crossed my mind that this was sad for me. This mom-to-be is a new family member in my life (married to my cousin) and I look forward to getting to know her, she is older then me, been married longer, it only seemed natural that these two people would be having children first. But those words made me really wonder, how do I really feel? I wiped the tears from my eyes, and decided, I could let this bother me, I had every right to be sad, angry, and upset, OR I could just be happy for this new life that is coming into the world to this wonderful family, and I still am a part of it. It has taken me ages to get to this point, but It feels so incredibly good to know that I have the strength to enjoy even these moments, so much more then felling bad for myself ever did. It feels so good to be me again!

Precious Moments

Life is filled with so many precious moments, I know this past week I have experienced many. I took a hiatus from my blog and focused on life instead of infertility, hubby and I celebrated our anniversary, had a weekend full of friendships, and I was gifted a fertility doll from my sister and  brother-in-law. I do, however, have one very special moment I wanted to share.

I had the pleasure of looking after my six year old nephew yesterday, he is such a clever intuitive soul. We spent much of the day doing nephew and Auntie type stuff like visiting a local bulk food store to stock up on candy, taking the dogs to the park, and buying a fish with all the fixings. I was feeling so lucky to have unexpectedly got him for the day (my sister was stuck for a sitter at the last moment) and for having distracted him enough to keep him away from video games so we actually got to have genuine quality time. But then, as the day was coming to an end, we had a conversation that completely melted my heart.

Owen -  "Auntie Lesleigh, I know you had a miscarriage"
Auntie Lesleigh - "What do you mean!" (Surprised)
Owen - "I know that you had a baby in your belly that wasn't really grown into a baby yet and it died"
Auntie Lesleigh - "Oh" (Sill shocked and surprised)
Owen - "And I know why they call it a miscarriage, its because the baby misses its first time in a carriage"
Auntie Lesleigh - (giggling) "That sounds about right!"

Then I stared out the window as I was driving down a country road, completely stunned by his interpretation of the information he had been provided. I thought, how lucky I am to have this child in my life, and even if I don't have my own, man is it ever fun to be an auntie.

And, I slipped back to reality...

Auntie Lesleigh - "How do you know all this?"
Owen - "My mom told me, she likes to talk to me about everyones struggles"
Auntie Lesleigh - "So how does a baby get in my belly?"
Owen - "Well girls are born with a bag in their belly and it grows and grows and then there is a baby inside, then it pops and the baby comes out"
Auntie Lesleigh - "So if the baby just comes from the mommy then how does the baby get a daddy?"
Owen - "Well before I was born, my mommy and daddy were friends, daddy would always tell his mom about mommy, and mommy would always tell her mom about daddy, then one day they said 'we are having a baby' and that was it"
Owen - "But you have to be thirty to have a baby, how old are you?"
Auntie Lesleigh - "I am twenty-nine"
Owen - "So you cant have a baby yet, until your thirty"
Auntie Lesleigh - "But your mom is younger then me, how come she already had a baby?"
Owen - "Because when she was born she was supposed to be twelve, so she was way ahead"
Auntie Lesleigh - "Oh ok so I can have a baby next year?"
Owen - "Well when you were a baby did you come early or late?"
Auntie Lesleigh - "I came right on time, I was born on my due date"
Owen - "Well then, you will have a baby when your thirty or thirty-one. If you are early when you are born then you will have a baby early, but if you are late when your born then you will have babies late. But you were right on time"
Owen - "And my mom told me you are taking a vitamin to get pregnant, so you will really have a baby soon!"

So in the eyes of this precious six year old, my problems are solved, in fact there is no reason I can't have a baby, I just have to wait until I am thirty,  and since that is only a few months away, then I should be all set for the new year! I am going to live in this moment for awhile, because I just love having this guy in my life.

Stress Test

I have been told time and time again by the masses that I am “too stressed” and that I need to “just stop thinking about it” and pregnancy will happen when my mind and body is in natural alignment. I have read about this “theory” and heard input from others, but I’ve decided that I will let experience speak for itself. The only research I need is what other infertile/formerly infertile women say and very few would attribute their personal reproductive issues with feelings of stress. Furthermore, if my body cannot handle the natural everyday stressors any general person must face (work, finances, relationships) then surely there must be medical issues causing my inability to manage stress and have nothing to do with my willingness to “just chill” (therefore completely beyond my control anyway). 

recently had a friend visit my house (bless her kind soul) with genuine concern about my overall mental health (not the first intervention) and I felt myself denying all of her concerns, then, afterward I wondered if perhaps she could see something that I wasn’t acknowledging. So, true to myself, I’ve been self-reflecting for the past couple of days.  I talked to my husband, my sister, and mom about it, but I just can’t understand why people are still suggesting stress is a factor. Sure, I have a challenging job (I’m a mental health nurse specializing in brain injuries), and we have house finances to look after, as well as our very own brand of relationship woes, but I pride myself on balancing my home and work life so that I can be a healthy, contributing member of my family. The stressors that I can identify in my life are what keeps me striving forward, I complete my very best work under pressure, which is likely the provoking factor why I began this blog, however none of this stress is too much to handle that my body should be rejecting pregnancy.

I, personally, would like to question why we are all so quick to reject infertility as a genuine medical diagnoses, and instead offer advice to others like “relax”, “don’t stress”,“ don’t think about it and it will happen”. When someone is diagnosed with Cancer we certainly don’t say “hey if you quit smoking it will go away!” We recognize Cancer as the very thing it is, a medical condition all I ask is that you treat my infertility in the same way. In all honestly, I would love to hear people tell me what I should be doing rather than the accusatory ‘don’ts’.  One of my sisters texted me with the suggestion that I start Acupuncture, something tangible that has research supporting its benefits in fertility, a message I will always appreciate and something I plan on trying.  When I am asked to stop stressing, it’s like asking me to stop breathing, my reaction to stress or pressure in my life is a completely subconscious  process that even if told to control it isn’t as easy as, say, telling me I should try massage, or yoga (also helpful suggestions that I have begun to try).

I will say it once more, I AM NOT STRESSED OUT and for that matter I am not depressed (any more). I have accepted my destiny to travel this emotional journey through infertility, and any other stressors in my life are common to me and therefore do not create the adverse reactions that would warrant me to become infertile. Much like the other women that have infertility issues, I want to rip my hair out every time I hear a person diagnose me, but instead laugh when I realize their comments are my only source of my stress/anxiety. 

I’ve said it before and I will say it again that I am blessed to have so many loving, supportive, and concerned people in my life, but I do feel that I am in control of my emotions and I am managing all the complexities of my situation in the following ways,

1. Daily self-reflection to keep my emotions in check.

2. Attending a Yoga, Tai Chi, and Pilates fusion class (complete with a ten minute meditation period) along    with other fun gym classes.

3. Massage Therapy (specializing in stretching and strengthening the muscles necessary for carrying a baby to term)

4. Writing and sharing my feelings, concerns, etc. mainly through my blog and also with family and friends as needed.

5. Improving communication with my husband and God.

6. Keeping my work-life stress to a minimum and utilizing my vacation days to help facilitate this.

7. Getting proper amounts of sleep, taking all necessary prenatal vitamins, improving my diet, and managing my general overall health.

8. Reading and researching infertility.

9. Maintaining a positive attitude and outlook on my situation (I have realized there is a lot of necessary information to be learned from this).

10. Building a community of women in similar situations to support and inspire one another.

If at any time I am feeling overwhelmed, stressed, or depressed about this in the future I will turn to someone I love and reach out for help, because even more then you, I want what is best for me too.  As for now, I assure you I genuinely feel at peace, because I have finally learned to work through my infertility without looking at timelines, I can focus on each day as it comes, and share with all of you what I am learning and feeling so I can help make every womans  journey through infertility a happier one.

XOXO,

Lesleigh

What I'm Not Writing

I had planned on posting a blog last evening, but as it turned out I ended up in a deep conversation, with my husband! I can't tell you how happy it makes me that we agreed to set aside some time to talk and we actually did. Pretty much my whole world knows how I am feeling since I have begun this post, but very little knew the inner feelings of my husband, including me. Despite my numerous attempts to get him to open up he just couldn't because unlike me he just wasn't ready (though I can't imagine he has much to complain about because men love sex, right?), anyway, last night he did, and it touched my heart. My husband loves me through and through, and despite struggles with his own feelings, he is much more concerned with listening to and supporting me, like a true Gentlemen. I just can't say enough that I am completely thrilled to have a solid relationship with my very best friend, to get me through all of this!

Here is a poem I found and I thought I'd share, because I'm going to go and talk with my husband again :) (I may post again later this evening)

Some dream of big houses
Or shiny new cars,
Ours is to someday
Hold a baby that's ours.
Some dream of more money
To hoard and to keep,
Mine is to someday
Rock my baby to sleep.
Some dream of careers
In buildings so tall,
His is to someday
Kick his kid a football.
Some dream of great power
To be strong and tough,
Ours is to someday
Have a child to love.
Some dream of things
Such as silver and gold
Ours is of the day
Our child we'll hold.

-Author Unknown

A Little Humor

It's not as if the appearance of my body is a tell-tale sign that I am infertile, its not as if I walk down the street and strangers who see me think to themselves "That poor women, she has been deceived by her womanhood and left childless", but I do often wonder what my body is saying or doing in response to (or the cause of) all this.

The other morning when I woke up not quite ready to jump out of bed I just laid there in thought. I began wondering the precise reasons why all this is happening since test after test has been done with no definitive result. If you know me, you know I have a sense of humor (probably my saving grace) so in true likeness I visualized my cheeky little ovaries with sly grins on their faces, playing keep away with my uterus. I imagined my uterus to be tearful and frustrated, unable to gain control of the situation as one of my ovaries threw my egg and the other caught it before poor uterus could intervene. This would continue back-and-forth with no end in sight. I imagined my ovaries laughing uncontrollably at the sight of my now angered uterus, and I began to laugh. I mean, imagine if it was that simple, Dr. does an ultrasound and sees my ovaries playing games with my uterus, I would probably just take a dose of Ritalin to calm those mo-foes down and boom, be pregnant.

After this moment, I began thinking about all the other responses my body is providing me in my need to get pregnant, and wondered, if I was weak enough to believe it, would I really be experiencing a pseudo-pregnancy. My belly has grown, (it would appear I am about four months pregnant), my breasts often get sore and swollen, I am nauseated nearly every morning. Of course, none of these signs are the real deal, its all more of just a comedy show my body is putting on. "That's great, you got me, now cut it out and kick it into high gear or I will get a tattoo of something hideous just to spite you!" There are women who have genuine real-live pseudo-pregnancies and it is nothing to make fun of, but now I can understand, it isn't just a thought process, it is a full body response to the desires of your heart. It's just a shame, in my case, that this doesn't mean the the whole "mind over matter" thing hasn't applied to me actually getting pregnant.

Regardless, I stand firm that It will happen... Soon!

So until then, I will enjoy the comedies of my own body and all its tomfoolery. In the meantime, If you happen to see any part of my reproductive system at yuk yuks doing stand up, kindly return it to me, I am ready to get this show on the road!

My Crystal Ball Moment

I am not sure if it is because I am working night shifts or if I was getting a glimpse of my future, either way I found my self slipping into a day dream this evening and it had me so hopeful for whats to come. Shane and I, and a friend were sitting in our living room, and as his friend was excitably telling Shane the story of his weekend I began looking around the room with images of baby being present at that very moment. I imagined purchasing a couple receiving blankets that were specific to each of my dogs (a boy one for Thai, and a girl one for Sophie) and bringing them to the hospital to have baby leave a scent, then I imagined Shane returning home with blankets in tow, and having the dogs cuddle them for days, knowing a new family member was coming home, and that they were the bodyguards. I imagined my dogs dragging the blankets around the house in excitement for whats to come. Then for a moment I snapped out of it, and listened again as our friend went on in enthusiastic detail, and as I looked over at Shane I pictured a tiny, fragile babe tucked in his arms as he rocked back-and-forth in our Ikea chair, at that moment he looked over at me and smiled  (as if he could see my thoughts floating in a cloud above my head). I imagined, what a sight it would be for Shane, a 6'5", broad-shouldered man, to be holding this tiny precious child not much larger then his hands and the love he would pour over it during each of these mundane moments of life. As I entered back into reality I realized I had tears of happiness in my eyes, and such a warmth and comfort in my heart. If ever there was a time that I should be given the promise from God parenthood is in the cards for me, then this was it!

Now, hours later, I can't help but allow myself to slip back to that moment. I am blessed with such an assurance that I married the most kind-hearted, compassionate man and I have absolutely no doubt in my mind that he is going to be the most perfect father, more perfect then I could have ever imagined. I have to ask, How did I get to be so lucky?? 

XOXO

Magazine Junkie

Here is a little taste of the new reading material I have been reviewing. Am I crazy? or am I just being prepared and well informed? Actually, within these magazines is the verification that I needed that I am not alone. It isnt just your typical lucky, happy, fertile types, there are tips, information, and naturopathic remedies for the less likely to get knocked up. My mom, in her general concern, provided me with the Alive magazine (often seen on shelves in Health food stores) because she came across an article about boosting your fertility, and creating a clean, healthy, organic living environment for babe. I initially read with enthusiasm because of course I am all for making my body a healthy place to live, but I quickly became overwhelmed with the information and nervous about some of the suggested supplements interfering with the medical fertility medications I have already been prescribed.

I had previously visited a naturopathic practitioner (at the suggestion of a friend) and I loved every minute of the appointment, because I felt like for once someone was thoroughly going through my health history for the first time. Then, I grew impatient of the results, and  ran directly to the medical field that I have grown so accustomed to trusting throughout my lifetime. I don't know if I made the right decision, but at the time, I had already been waiting months to get into the fertility specialist and felt that enough time had been wasted just waiting. I would love to have completed this process naturally (and I am sure there are others that judge me on my decisions) but, I am dealing with the hand that I have been dealt, and everyday  that nothing happens seems like another missed opportunity (and an eternity).

I am sure many of you know that a womans cycle is a tricky thing, and there is a very small window of opportunity on the "trying to conceive" front (3-5 days in fact). So when I am told to be patient or wait another day, please excuse my irritabilty, because when I miss those few days I am actually behind a whole other month. A struggle Dear hubby and I have been battling even without the infertility issue, since he often travels away from home for work and has been know to spend months on end hours away from home  (with the exception of weekends). I am sure you understand, time is something I do not have to waste.

I purchased my Fit Pregnancy magazine when I noticed an article titled "Expecting after Infertility", and it launched me into considering all the complex emotions I can anticipate when I finally do get pregnant. It was actually more of a validation of my feelings, and in all this irregular mess I am going through, at least my feelings are normal. It was a refreshing but emotional read, as it discussed the identity crisis I may face once pregnant. I mean, after all this, how would you tell an infertile friend that you have overcome these circumstances, when they are still struggling? I know I need not be ashamed of that time in my life, but I built up this blog to build a community of women in similar circumstances, and I feel as though I can't expect them to be happy for me after all of this, when they are still struggling with the pain of their own situation.

Regardless, I am not there yet, it was just something I needed to consider. I hope, as you follow my story you will understand just how complex a situation this can be, even long after a positive pregnancy test. Once again, my heart is filled with thankfulness for having your love and support!