Fall Fantasies

There is something about the cold chill and the fall scent in the air that always gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling. I remember feeling this way as a little girl and imagining that one day I would have my own little family, and we would pack up all our food and hibernate like bears through the winter season playing board games and reading books together. As soon as September comes to an end my body and senses are in full nostalgic effect, as I take in all the smells of dry colour-changed leaves, fresh corn, and pumpkin and squash pies. In fact, just today, I woke from an afternoon nap, to find Shane cooking a homemade squash soup, and when I came downstairs I was greeted with lit scented candles filling the air and complimenting the rich odour of the soup. The lights were dim and there was a warmth in the air, I found myself staring around the room thinking how great it would be to have my family established at this moment. I mean to some, bundling up kids in jackets and scarves is a daunting task, but to me its the epitome of fall. There is nothing more that I want during these fun fall seasons then a little family surrounding me. Besides its the season of Thanksgiving, and that is the greatest gift to be thankful after all.

Then on my way to work this evening, I had to stop to pick up an item I bought online from a local homeowner. When I stopped at my destination, I was again reminded of the warmth and peace of fall when I saw their front porch and gardens decked out in fall adornment. When I rang the bell and the door was opened, there inside was a large family sitting around their dining table. I was overwhelmed by the Aura of pumpkin spices and vanilla complemented by warmth invited by the neutral walls and orange accents. It was like a scene out of a magazine, I swear! I can only imagine that this is a typical Sunday dinner for this family, and felt a tiny sting of jealousy before leaving. I got back into my car and began my drive into work, and as I drove I was reciting the words of this blog in my head. I know most of this blog surrounds the imaginings of what could be (if we could actually just have kids in our life), but more then anything FALL brings these desires out in me.

I imagine walking a pram down the street, with my husband and dogs by my side, taking in all the colours of the leaves, as the crisp air leaves a chill in my nose as I breathe. I imagine, adorning my front porch with long corn husks, bales of hay, and pumpkins and gourds, or raking fallen leaves into large piles and jumping through them in joyous laughter. Just thinking about it I can already feel the warmth of my home, and the perfumes of lit candles, and fresh apple cider or pumpkin pie. It is enough to make anyone want to begin a career in baking (or maybe just me). Cuddling under blankets and watching movies are a fall favourite past-time, and wrapping up in woollen scarves to prevent the dreaded cold weather illnesses.

Perhaps maybe I am much too often caught up in a dream world, or maybe I am hopeful and relentless on not giving up on the desires of my heart. Maybe this blog is far-too-often an account of all the things I wish my life could be, but that's who I am and what I do. I like to know (within reason) what is coming up in my near future, I like to plan and prepare, and more importantly, perfect all the things I do in my life and unfortunately for me, each time I try to gain control over this particular endeavour, I am reminded with the next breath that I am not. The only sure thing about our plan for a family, is that none of it is certain. I can only hope and pray, and enjoy the little moments where I am able to escape this reality and imagine an alternative to our life.

And, just because I know he needs to know; Shane you are a part of this life, And all the ones I could possibly imagine for myself. Through all of this heartache and frustration, your love is a welcome constant. Please promise me you will never let me get lost in all my "Could have beens" and remember to appreciate all that I have now.



Big Decisions

I'm sitting here at McDonald's (a place I rarely go to eat) and stressing (the only reason why I would even consider eating McDonalds). Today isn't a good day, well I can't lie, it started out ok, but then I got a phone call from the new fertility clinicI am supposed to be going to. I would have thought this would  be exciting since we just got a referral to a renound fertility clinic and specialists that "can get any woman pregnant" but not today. I found out this morning the wait list for my particular specialist would land me an April appointment, which means no treatment until June or later, or my other option is to take an appt with another specialist in two weeks (ok, better). Still there was a catch, the other specialist is pregnant and due in November, which means even with this route I still won't be doing an treatment until February. So these are the options I'm left with, and I have to say the timelines terrify me. I feel confused and overwhelmed, and like I should be running to my bed and spending the rest of the afternoon crying. I just don't understand how some receptionist could just call me up and casually tell me (like its no big deal) that my life is most definitely going to be on hold until at least February and thats only if I opt for the specialist that I wasn't referred to. It is so much to think about, on one hand I have a Specialist that I am established with, granted there is no "relationship" between us since I am not a fan of his bedside manner and his general lack of interest in investigating our circumstances. You would think this guy would be all over that considering his pre-Gyno career was being a cop. I suppose he traded in metaphorical douchebags for literal ones (sorry for the lame humor). Alternatively, I can go ahead and transfer to the new specialist (that I specifically asked to be referred to based on trusting recommendations) and wait until April for an appointment, or accept his colleague and have my initial assessment during the first week in October, however, my progess will be put on hold for this Dr.s maternity leave and treatments won't start until February. This new clinic, by-the-way also happens to be an hour away which is also a negative. On the plus side, I still have three months of medication from the first specialist to get me through until January, but it still doesn't make my decision anymore definitive.

I keep thinking about the possibility that there is still some undiagnosed problem, and that if I make the decision to stay with Specialist. #1 (my current one) February will creep up without conception, and how I would feel so terrible for not having taken the leap to the new Specialist right now. The new specialist (and renouned fertility clinic) will dive right into all the necessary investigations no matter how painful or invasive, and make all attempts to RULE OUT any issues right away, which would be scary-YES! But also very comforting, because we would finally be able to move on knowing there is or isn't something else to worry about. Specialist #1 barely gives me time to take a seat in the chair in his office before dismissing me from my appointment, so I can't imagine I would be getting anywhere with him anytime soon, and even if I did, I certainly can't imagine him poking and prodding at my maternal body all throughout my pregnancy since he already makes my skin crawl.

Ugh... Even as I am writing this all out I can visualize a chart of pros and cons about each, and it really isnt anymore settling. I know I am leaning toward transferring to the new clinic, I mean this is what I have wanted for the last three months since first learning about it, but It certainly doesn't come without a price, well not literally, YEAH Canadian Healthcare!! I have been doing really well emotionally the past month or month and a half, but I feel like this news has set me back a few notches, and I feel like I am losing hope, Again!

Please.... I am begging you... offer some input, because Shane and I could most definitely use some unbiased opinions.

What Would Life Be Like?

Where would I be today if I got pregnant when we first started trying?? Ever wonder what life would be like if just one thing in your life had been different? What kind of ripple effect it would have on all the other aspects of your life?

I often wonder this myself. I consider what new knowledge I would have gained, or how it would change my routines, and how my everyday thoughts and considerations would be different. How would my relationship with Shane be changed, or the relationships with my friends and family. Life as I know it wouldn't even exist, I would be living in some alternate universe that is likely similar, but yet so distant from this one that is so familiar to me.

If I were pregnant after just a few months of trying I'd likely have conceived in March 2011, and let's just say I had a normal 40 week pregnancy, thus blessing us with a January baby. This would mean Shane and I would now be raising an eight month old baby. I would likely be feeling tired, my body image would be poor, we would likely be grieving our previous life. We would be dying for a "night of freedom" in exchange for our typical night in watching a movie that is frequently disrupted with cries from the baby monitor. We would likely have struggled with intimacy and communication in our relationship as is typical in the first year post-baby. I would be off work, but at this point be exploring my options for daycare and my return to work date since baby is approaching his/her first birthday. Each time I leave the house I would be trekking along the diaper bag,  toys, and snacks, I would be integrating new foods to baby's diet and monitoring his/her reactions to each, this would be the topic of my conversations too, and the highlights of my day. I would be running rampant with the camera still capturing each new movement and the essence of my child's life. I would be posting things like "poor pookies got a runny nose, thank god for backyardigans and mommy cuddles." as my Facebook status. I'd have traded make-up and my hair straightener for frequent diaper changes and load after load of laundry. My anxieties would be changed from work stress to "omg call Telehealth baby licked the dog!!!" I'd have packed up my heels and be wearing more practical footwear. My daily outings would be to local baby groups and stars and strollers matinees. Shane and I would wake throughout the night even when babe is sleeping just to watch him/her breath in those quiet restful moments and to confirm that he/she is actually breathing. Our house wouldn't look anything like the strategically organized, pristine place we know today. We'd have toys and play mats spread about the floors, and be distracted from chores to spend some playtime on the floor with baby. My family would be over daily to see little babe, and the house would be filled comments about how cute and adorable all the things little babe does are. Our dogs would be adapting to this new little being, and might have some minor behavioral issues as a result of coming second to the babe. Every errand we run would become a chore as baby has to be bundled and packed in to the car, I'd have grown new muscles in my arms from swinging the car seat around stores. This is just touching on the amount of difference there would be in our lives.

Even as I write this, I find myself getting lost in this alternate life, imaging with such reality the cries and sounds babe makes, the color of babes eyes, and the way his/hair curls ever so slightly just at the tips. I imagine the smell of his/her skin, and how soft if feels against my face as I kiss him/her to sleep. Most people would say "I can't imagine how different life is going to be when baby arrives" but not me, I can imagine every detail, and sure its not going to be exactly as I depict, but I know I am ready. We have been preparing for this for so long now it is so hard to imagine it not happening. This is why I still hold on to the hope, and still continue to prepare, and when it does happen I will be ready and I most definitely will be In-Love!