My Grown Up Christmas

So its Christmas time again, which marks a time of giving, love,  and spending time with family. But this year I can’t help but reflect on the sadness surrounding this particular Christmas season, and for once, it’s not for my own self pity. I am reminded of the preciousness of life as I reflect on the events of the Connecticut school shooting, and imagining that it must be so very difficult for these families to find joy in these next few days. I imagine of those families the parents that have other children must be desperately trying to bury their sadness for the sake of their living children in order to keep the memory of Christmas Magical. I imagine all of the effected families are guilt stricken in the rare moments that they feel a small sense of happiness as their memories return to their young innocent child that was lost. I reflect on my disappointment and my shame in myself for being so internally focused while all this was going on.

I was inspired recently by a radio stations announcement to participate in the “26 acts of kindness”, as a way of building a positive memory of those lost on this day. It was described as a challenge for followers to participate in “26 Acts of Kindness” up until Christmas day, as a way of keeping the memory of this tragedy in a positive light. I was immediately compelled to participate in these acts and find every opportunity to live out these “26 Acts of Kindness” before Christmas came. I was not successful; in fact, I only completed one (very lame) act of kindness. Granted, I made it a much more difficult challenge for myself since I agreed to only count the twenty-six acts that I found to be “Above and Beyond” my usual. For instance, I often hold doors for others and I am polite during interactions with sales people, so neither of these seemed suitable in this instance. I also found that it was often others that scooped up these opportunities of kindness since the Christmas season tends to bring out the softer side of our neighbors. So, my confidence in the kindness of humankind has been restored, if just for a short time, but It was refreshing none-the-less. I wonder then, what will become of our world when the New Year begins? Will we have forgotten all these innocent lives and moved on to our own selfish requests? Will we have forgotten to be kind to others? Will the memory of this tragic event disappear with the more current news of the world?  

I was lucky enough, to have my prayers answered by God, and to be blessed this Christmas with the sense of hope for a brighter tomorrow. I am drawn into the dreams of my future Christmas’ with a growing child, and with each New Year a better experience. I feel selfish as I read back to my former posts; how I have never asked for prayers for others, How I never considered that there may be others out there that deserve their prayers answered before my own. In fact, I follow an inspirational blog called Fertility Doll, about a woman who has been struggling with her infertility, faith, and emotion for five years. I honestly, can’t even imagine how angry I would be had my prayers not been answered by then!! Though, not once, have I mentioned her before, and not once had I asked for prayers in her name. As I approach the beginning of 2013, and reflect on bringing my child into a safer and more thoughtful world I will commit to offering more prayers for others (and not just when their tragedy is pasted on the news) and to continue living out the “26 acts of kindness” in all the ways possible, each and every month, after all who says such a thing needs a deadline?

If you are feeling so inclined I offer this challenge to you as well. I do not plan on posting about these acts of kindness again, because I feel like it is a personal sacrifice of self, and not to be revisited as a bragging right, though I will share with you my growth as a kinder more compassionate self and how I plan on using that knowledge to make me a better mother.  

   

Merry Christmas and Much Love,

XOXO Lesleigh

I've been postless, but NOT CHILDLESS!!! Baby P. ETA June 2013!!!

I have been spending the last couple of months pondering how I was going to bring forth my newest post to the blogger world. I am a creative soul and was driven to make a splash with an inticing headline, and great photo ops that make our news exciting and surprising, but lets face it, the news is surprising regardless. In fact, so much so, that when I first looked at that $18 Clear Blue indicator strip I fell into a state of denial, Hubby did too. For an entire week, perhaps even two we refused to believe the news as I waited day after day for the heatbreak of mother nature to welcome me in a cloak of red. That didn't happen, instead my breasts got tender (untouchable actually), my sense of smell became resemblant of a super power, accompanied by a complete disinterest in pretty much any food in existance. Still, I held firm that this was yet another one of my pseudo-pregnancy reactions as my brain tricked my body into believing the desires of my heart.

I was actually ANGRY, at a time when I should have fallen to my knees with clenched hands and offered up prayers of thankfulness to my God, I was filled with doubt and disbelief. The anger visited me when I realized that I was robbed of that excited moment that most women ( and their partners) get when they first see their big fat positive. I felt cheated and hurt that hubby wasn't jumping through the roof, and that somehow, in all of this infertility mess we lost the ability to be excited about it. We had tentatively made plans to share the news with our families on Christmas; this would buy us plenty of time to come up with something ubber creative, and get us well past the insecurity of the first trimester possibilies. Then a new spin was thrown at us, I was blessed with morning sickness with such angry ambition that I was forced to tell my workmates, which precipitated me telling friends that might possibly hear the rumor from workmates. So, when we knew of this destiny, we privately told our families over Thanksgiving dinner, at a mere 6 weeks gestation. It was a bittersweet moment, because we were excited to share this news, but at the bottom of our announcement lay our doubt, and guilt about sharing the news so potentially, dangerously early, and to top it all off, I was riddled with such nausea I could barely even lift my head from the table, forcing my smile to sit upside down upon my face.Of course, family were thrilled, and offered promises and prayers of a safe and happy pregnancy, some "oh you poor thing"s, and "Don't worry you will start to feel better in a couple of weeks".

Hubby and I continued to reflect on our news the week following the announcement, obviously, the morning sickness (which by the way LASTS ALL DAY AND NIGHT!!!) made this pregnancy real to us, along with now getting daily phone calls from family to remind us of our status as parents-to-be. Slowly the feeling that this is happening crept upon us, and somehow I have lowered my shoulders and started to breathe. After about five visits to local clinics to report that "I was Dying", and a trip to the ER when I suffered dehydration and required IV fluids I finally got in to see my own Doctor. I told him I was glad all this morning sickness was happening to me, because after everything I had been through to get here, at least I was provided with a daily reminder that things were still moving forward as planned. I let go of some of my doubt at that moment, and even more so when we got reports of suspected twins (WHICH IT IS NOT BTW), then I lost more doubt at our ultrasound where baby P danced up a storm and had a strong heatbeat of 160.

Since then, we have begun putting together a small collection of items in preparation, our financial and home related goals reflect baby P's pending arrival (meaning nursery preparation, and last minute home maintanance plans are underway). My disheveled/unhygenic, sickly state has been replaced by a more suitable "pregnancy glow", and my growing belly is currently being dressed in maternity or maternity-type wear. Acne and cold sores are my new frenemies, and food aversions are being replaced by an uncontrollable need to polish off WHOLE pinapples, or obsessions with Great Canadian Bagels. Family and coworkers are starting to recognize my baby bump, and appear to be offended when I wear clothing that disguises it. I have embraced pregnancy and have taken a general interest in educating myself in things like hypnobirthing, Doulas, and placenta encapsulation. My facebook visits are centered around my local mommas-buy-and-sell sites, and check-ins with my June babies pregnancy group. My smile has found its way back to its upright position, and hubby has finally learned to tread lightly around my rapidly changing moods (since now I function on emotional feelings, rather then a need-to-do basis). I have, with an immense amount of help from hubby, caught up on housework that was stationed on the back burner while I hung out with my toilet these past couple of months. Hubs and I have also been bouncing baby names off of each other to add to our growing list, and bets or guesses have been flowing in from those rooting for either team blue or team pink. I am HAPPY!!, a state of being that I have not seen in nearly two years since our battle with infertility first began, and most importantly, I am faithful, that God will provide for us in the way (deep down) I knew he always would.

On a side note, for those left wondering about my decisions regarding fertility specialists noted here. I did intend on seeing the pregnant specialist at the well-known fertility clinic, however, I got my positive test the day before my appt. to which they responded they could no longer see me for fertility issues (understandable) nor had the capacity to follow my pregnancy. So, instead I have moved on to a Midwife, whom I adore and is local to me, and we are very happy with our "Big Decision".

Lastly, I wanted to point out a very key piece of information my followers may or may not be aware of. Previously, my nephew Owen, had given me a life lesson about having babies. To which, he informed me that I needed to be thirty before I would be able to have babies. I will be turning thirty, in twenty days! Children often have wisdom, even adults can not possess! In keeping with my relationship with my nephews here is a suitable poem we have read together by one of my favorite authors;

Listen to the mustn'ts, child.
Listen to the don'ts.
Listen to the shouldn'ts, the impossibles, the won'ts.
Listen to the never haves,
Then listen close to me...
Anything can happen, child.
Anything can be.

-Shel Silverstein

Thankfulness

In the Spirit of our upcoming (Canadian) Thanksgiving, I wanted to make a running list of all the things I am thankful for, because part of this journey is discovering all the wonderful rewards and blessings and focusing less on my misfortunes.

• My loving, wonderful, supportive Husband
• A strong relationship where I can speak my mind, be open, and be me
• The most awesome(est) Family (extended members included), which by the way I got to hang out with yesterday and appreciated every moment
• The very best friends a girl could ask for
• Other then the obvious Infertility issues we both generally have exceptional health
• We have both been blessed (after a lot of hardwork) with great careers that enhance our sense of self worth, encourage us to expand our knowledge, and test our boundries to push us further in life
• The ability to breath
• The ability to live life to the fullest (despite some financial barriers) and live everyday without worry of a dangerous living environment
• A roof over our heads (which also happens to be incredibly comfortable)
• Our dogs, that I have mentioned more then once, really know how to light up my life
• Our upcoming (TWO) turkey dinners that we get to enjoy, PLUS leftovers!!
• The ability to get together as a family and spend some wonderful quailty time together
• Appropriate cold weather attire, and heated interiors (especially thankful to be spending my first cold season with my new heated seats in my truck)
• Support and Encouragement from my friends and family
• Facebook (for keeping in touch with people I otherwise wouldnt even know anymore)
• The ability to think independently, and trust that what I am thinking is appropriate and realistic (after working in Mental Health for 4+ years, I have come to really appreciate that my brian does not play tricks on me, or so I think)
•  Womens rights to a degree (I would still really appreciate the traditional relationships in which women are regarded as loving mothers and houswives and greatly appreciated and understood in that role)
• Choice
• An outlet for my pain in this experience (Aka the Internet/computers/Blogger/and you guys)
• The fascinating progression of nature as summer turns into fall and the beauty that is left to be appreciated
• Watching children sleep
• Watching my husband sleep
• Watching my dogs do all the little funny and completely random things they do (like turn in a cirle a couple of times before lying down, or sighing for no good reason)
• Hiking trails
• The Canadian Healthcare System
• Resources such as libararies and pharmacys, little mom and pop shops, and strong communities (Bowmanville is a pretty awesome community I must say)
• Kind people that put a lot of work and effort into providing for the less fortunate (people who creat/run non-profit organizations, or put together fundraisers)
• Please and Thank you's
• Kindness and compassion
• LOVE
• Culture, laungages, and other interesting Changes that we can experience while travelling to other Countries
• Hammocks (for the ability to feel weightless)
• Text messaging for the ability to keep in touch on the fly
• GPS so we don't waste anymore time getting lost (therefore having more time to spend with long lost friends or family)
• Alarm clocks (sometimes)
• Night shifts and 12 hour shifts (so I don't have to get up early too often
• How this infertility experience has Changed me and my relationship with Shane (In an amazing way)
• Learning
• Surprises, and finding lost things and how amazing that feels
• Experiencing emotions, and learning from them
• Nostalgia
• Sitting under a tree and reading a book
• Sitting in a warm bed and reading a book
• Playing in a pile of leaves (minus the racking part)
• Playing in a pile of snow (minus the shoveling part)
• Decorating for both fall and Christmas (but not at this same time of course)
• LIFE

Now, I challenge you to leave your comment... What are you most thankful for?

Fall Fantasies

There is something about the cold chill and the fall scent in the air that always gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling. I remember feeling this way as a little girl and imagining that one day I would have my own little family, and we would pack up all our food and hibernate like bears through the winter season playing board games and reading books together. As soon as September comes to an end my body and senses are in full nostalgic effect, as I take in all the smells of dry colour-changed leaves, fresh corn, and pumpkin and squash pies. In fact, just today, I woke from an afternoon nap, to find Shane cooking a homemade squash soup, and when I came downstairs I was greeted with lit scented candles filling the air and complimenting the rich odour of the soup. The lights were dim and there was a warmth in the air, I found myself staring around the room thinking how great it would be to have my family established at this moment. I mean to some, bundling up kids in jackets and scarves is a daunting task, but to me its the epitome of fall. There is nothing more that I want during these fun fall seasons then a little family surrounding me. Besides its the season of Thanksgiving, and that is the greatest gift to be thankful after all.

Then on my way to work this evening, I had to stop to pick up an item I bought online from a local homeowner. When I stopped at my destination, I was again reminded of the warmth and peace of fall when I saw their front porch and gardens decked out in fall adornment. When I rang the bell and the door was opened, there inside was a large family sitting around their dining table. I was overwhelmed by the Aura of pumpkin spices and vanilla complemented by warmth invited by the neutral walls and orange accents. It was like a scene out of a magazine, I swear! I can only imagine that this is a typical Sunday dinner for this family, and felt a tiny sting of jealousy before leaving. I got back into my car and began my drive into work, and as I drove I was reciting the words of this blog in my head. I know most of this blog surrounds the imaginings of what could be (if we could actually just have kids in our life), but more then anything FALL brings these desires out in me.

I imagine walking a pram down the street, with my husband and dogs by my side, taking in all the colours of the leaves, as the crisp air leaves a chill in my nose as I breathe. I imagine, adorning my front porch with long corn husks, bales of hay, and pumpkins and gourds, or raking fallen leaves into large piles and jumping through them in joyous laughter. Just thinking about it I can already feel the warmth of my home, and the perfumes of lit candles, and fresh apple cider or pumpkin pie. It is enough to make anyone want to begin a career in baking (or maybe just me). Cuddling under blankets and watching movies are a fall favourite past-time, and wrapping up in woollen scarves to prevent the dreaded cold weather illnesses.

Perhaps maybe I am much too often caught up in a dream world, or maybe I am hopeful and relentless on not giving up on the desires of my heart. Maybe this blog is far-too-often an account of all the things I wish my life could be, but that's who I am and what I do. I like to know (within reason) what is coming up in my near future, I like to plan and prepare, and more importantly, perfect all the things I do in my life and unfortunately for me, each time I try to gain control over this particular endeavour, I am reminded with the next breath that I am not. The only sure thing about our plan for a family, is that none of it is certain. I can only hope and pray, and enjoy the little moments where I am able to escape this reality and imagine an alternative to our life.

And, just because I know he needs to know; Shane you are a part of this life, And all the ones I could possibly imagine for myself. Through all of this heartache and frustration, your love is a welcome constant. Please promise me you will never let me get lost in all my "Could have beens" and remember to appreciate all that I have now.



Big Decisions

I'm sitting here at McDonald's (a place I rarely go to eat) and stressing (the only reason why I would even consider eating McDonalds). Today isn't a good day, well I can't lie, it started out ok, but then I got a phone call from the new fertility clinicI am supposed to be going to. I would have thought this would  be exciting since we just got a referral to a renound fertility clinic and specialists that "can get any woman pregnant" but not today. I found out this morning the wait list for my particular specialist would land me an April appointment, which means no treatment until June or later, or my other option is to take an appt with another specialist in two weeks (ok, better). Still there was a catch, the other specialist is pregnant and due in November, which means even with this route I still won't be doing an treatment until February. So these are the options I'm left with, and I have to say the timelines terrify me. I feel confused and overwhelmed, and like I should be running to my bed and spending the rest of the afternoon crying. I just don't understand how some receptionist could just call me up and casually tell me (like its no big deal) that my life is most definitely going to be on hold until at least February and thats only if I opt for the specialist that I wasn't referred to. It is so much to think about, on one hand I have a Specialist that I am established with, granted there is no "relationship" between us since I am not a fan of his bedside manner and his general lack of interest in investigating our circumstances. You would think this guy would be all over that considering his pre-Gyno career was being a cop. I suppose he traded in metaphorical douchebags for literal ones (sorry for the lame humor). Alternatively, I can go ahead and transfer to the new specialist (that I specifically asked to be referred to based on trusting recommendations) and wait until April for an appointment, or accept his colleague and have my initial assessment during the first week in October, however, my progess will be put on hold for this Dr.s maternity leave and treatments won't start until February. This new clinic, by-the-way also happens to be an hour away which is also a negative. On the plus side, I still have three months of medication from the first specialist to get me through until January, but it still doesn't make my decision anymore definitive.

I keep thinking about the possibility that there is still some undiagnosed problem, and that if I make the decision to stay with Specialist. #1 (my current one) February will creep up without conception, and how I would feel so terrible for not having taken the leap to the new Specialist right now. The new specialist (and renouned fertility clinic) will dive right into all the necessary investigations no matter how painful or invasive, and make all attempts to RULE OUT any issues right away, which would be scary-YES! But also very comforting, because we would finally be able to move on knowing there is or isn't something else to worry about. Specialist #1 barely gives me time to take a seat in the chair in his office before dismissing me from my appointment, so I can't imagine I would be getting anywhere with him anytime soon, and even if I did, I certainly can't imagine him poking and prodding at my maternal body all throughout my pregnancy since he already makes my skin crawl.

Ugh... Even as I am writing this all out I can visualize a chart of pros and cons about each, and it really isnt anymore settling. I know I am leaning toward transferring to the new clinic, I mean this is what I have wanted for the last three months since first learning about it, but It certainly doesn't come without a price, well not literally, YEAH Canadian Healthcare!! I have been doing really well emotionally the past month or month and a half, but I feel like this news has set me back a few notches, and I feel like I am losing hope, Again!

Please.... I am begging you... offer some input, because Shane and I could most definitely use some unbiased opinions.

What Would Life Be Like?

Where would I be today if I got pregnant when we first started trying?? Ever wonder what life would be like if just one thing in your life had been different? What kind of ripple effect it would have on all the other aspects of your life?

I often wonder this myself. I consider what new knowledge I would have gained, or how it would change my routines, and how my everyday thoughts and considerations would be different. How would my relationship with Shane be changed, or the relationships with my friends and family. Life as I know it wouldn't even exist, I would be living in some alternate universe that is likely similar, but yet so distant from this one that is so familiar to me.

If I were pregnant after just a few months of trying I'd likely have conceived in March 2011, and let's just say I had a normal 40 week pregnancy, thus blessing us with a January baby. This would mean Shane and I would now be raising an eight month old baby. I would likely be feeling tired, my body image would be poor, we would likely be grieving our previous life. We would be dying for a "night of freedom" in exchange for our typical night in watching a movie that is frequently disrupted with cries from the baby monitor. We would likely have struggled with intimacy and communication in our relationship as is typical in the first year post-baby. I would be off work, but at this point be exploring my options for daycare and my return to work date since baby is approaching his/her first birthday. Each time I leave the house I would be trekking along the diaper bag,  toys, and snacks, I would be integrating new foods to baby's diet and monitoring his/her reactions to each, this would be the topic of my conversations too, and the highlights of my day. I would be running rampant with the camera still capturing each new movement and the essence of my child's life. I would be posting things like "poor pookies got a runny nose, thank god for backyardigans and mommy cuddles." as my Facebook status. I'd have traded make-up and my hair straightener for frequent diaper changes and load after load of laundry. My anxieties would be changed from work stress to "omg call Telehealth baby licked the dog!!!" I'd have packed up my heels and be wearing more practical footwear. My daily outings would be to local baby groups and stars and strollers matinees. Shane and I would wake throughout the night even when babe is sleeping just to watch him/her breath in those quiet restful moments and to confirm that he/she is actually breathing. Our house wouldn't look anything like the strategically organized, pristine place we know today. We'd have toys and play mats spread about the floors, and be distracted from chores to spend some playtime on the floor with baby. My family would be over daily to see little babe, and the house would be filled comments about how cute and adorable all the things little babe does are. Our dogs would be adapting to this new little being, and might have some minor behavioral issues as a result of coming second to the babe. Every errand we run would become a chore as baby has to be bundled and packed in to the car, I'd have grown new muscles in my arms from swinging the car seat around stores. This is just touching on the amount of difference there would be in our lives.

Even as I write this, I find myself getting lost in this alternate life, imaging with such reality the cries and sounds babe makes, the color of babes eyes, and the way his/hair curls ever so slightly just at the tips. I imagine the smell of his/her skin, and how soft if feels against my face as I kiss him/her to sleep. Most people would say "I can't imagine how different life is going to be when baby arrives" but not me, I can imagine every detail, and sure its not going to be exactly as I depict, but I know I am ready. We have been preparing for this for so long now it is so hard to imagine it not happening. This is why I still hold on to the hope, and still continue to prepare, and when it does happen I will be ready and I most definitely will be In-Love!

Birds, Bees, And A Little Medical Intervention

Spending most of my life in a predominantly female industry I am consistently reminded of the ease in which some women can get pregnant, since with each new day I see yet another coworker with the makings of a baby bump. I was caught in thought the other day and was reminded of how long this process has been, it may not be as long as it feels (and it feels like forever), but I am slowly seeing woman-after-woman filter back into work after their year long maternity leave. I reminisce back to the beginning when I was still naive enough to believe was that all it took was a little of the birds and the bees analogy and I would be preggers. Now I am watching as others are throwing one year birthday parties for their children and reluctantly returning to work in a guilty mood for causing the teary drop-off at the sitters. I just can't help but think, that should have been me! Although, I also can't help but think that I still get to  look forward to a one year hiatus from work. I do feel like this is anniversary of sorts as should I have gotten pregnant back when we first started, we too would be celebrating Baby P's first birthday too.

Despite my little mumble above, I am feeling much, much better. I have been in positive spirits lately and this past month was the first where I didn't count out the days of my cycle, spend every moment thinking about fertility, imagine pregnancy symptoms, or cry. I simply just lived my life as I wished and "let it be". I didn't get pregnant, I didn't even really try, I just enjoyed being, since my own self somehow got smothered under all of this nonsense. I have been able to rediscover me, and I've been working on recognizing what else I'd like to accomplish in life. I am starting a new job in October, mainly in my attempt to remove all unnecessary stressors from my life I will be still at the same facility but I will be on a whole new unit with a lot less political drama. Shane too is on a career curve as he is wrapping up his final year of his electrical apprenticeship and he couldn't be more thrilled to be ending that lengthy chapter in his life. Together, we have finally been back to our general practitioner for a referral to a new fertility specialist, and an appointment is now currently in the works. It will mean a much longer drive for appointments, but to us its a small price to pay for the opportunity to see the most recommended Specialist in the area and a being a part of this state-of-the-art facility.

I recently attended a Baby shower for a cousin, a very cute, perfectly nostalgic Peter Rabbit themed baby girl shower. It was filled with plenty of smiles, food, and games, and the most delicious lemon raspberry cupcakes one could imagine. My mom and I created a fantastically girly, pink and yellow diaper cake complete with all the frilly embellishments.  We got her the expected adorable baby girl outfit, and even splurged a little for the "big sister" their dog. Then it happened my aunt whispered in my ear "Lesleigh, it will be your turn next. I commend you for coming here today", I swallowed hard, as my eyes welled up and I stood stunned as I tried make sense of this. I had come to a point where I was comfortable with what I have been dealt, now I am being reminded that its okay to feel the pain. Up until that point, It never even crossed my mind that this was sad for me. This mom-to-be is a new family member in my life (married to my cousin) and I look forward to getting to know her, she is older then me, been married longer, it only seemed natural that these two people would be having children first. But those words made me really wonder, how do I really feel? I wiped the tears from my eyes, and decided, I could let this bother me, I had every right to be sad, angry, and upset, OR I could just be happy for this new life that is coming into the world to this wonderful family, and I still am a part of it. It has taken me ages to get to this point, but It feels so incredibly good to know that I have the strength to enjoy even these moments, so much more then felling bad for myself ever did. It feels so good to be me again!

Precious Moments

Life is filled with so many precious moments, I know this past week I have experienced many. I took a hiatus from my blog and focused on life instead of infertility, hubby and I celebrated our anniversary, had a weekend full of friendships, and I was gifted a fertility doll from my sister and  brother-in-law. I do, however, have one very special moment I wanted to share.

I had the pleasure of looking after my six year old nephew yesterday, he is such a clever intuitive soul. We spent much of the day doing nephew and Auntie type stuff like visiting a local bulk food store to stock up on candy, taking the dogs to the park, and buying a fish with all the fixings. I was feeling so lucky to have unexpectedly got him for the day (my sister was stuck for a sitter at the last moment) and for having distracted him enough to keep him away from video games so we actually got to have genuine quality time. But then, as the day was coming to an end, we had a conversation that completely melted my heart.

Owen -  "Auntie Lesleigh, I know you had a miscarriage"
Auntie Lesleigh - "What do you mean!" (Surprised)
Owen - "I know that you had a baby in your belly that wasn't really grown into a baby yet and it died"
Auntie Lesleigh - "Oh" (Sill shocked and surprised)
Owen - "And I know why they call it a miscarriage, its because the baby misses its first time in a carriage"
Auntie Lesleigh - (giggling) "That sounds about right!"

Then I stared out the window as I was driving down a country road, completely stunned by his interpretation of the information he had been provided. I thought, how lucky I am to have this child in my life, and even if I don't have my own, man is it ever fun to be an auntie.

And, I slipped back to reality...

Auntie Lesleigh - "How do you know all this?"
Owen - "My mom told me, she likes to talk to me about everyones struggles"
Auntie Lesleigh - "So how does a baby get in my belly?"
Owen - "Well girls are born with a bag in their belly and it grows and grows and then there is a baby inside, then it pops and the baby comes out"
Auntie Lesleigh - "So if the baby just comes from the mommy then how does the baby get a daddy?"
Owen - "Well before I was born, my mommy and daddy were friends, daddy would always tell his mom about mommy, and mommy would always tell her mom about daddy, then one day they said 'we are having a baby' and that was it"
Owen - "But you have to be thirty to have a baby, how old are you?"
Auntie Lesleigh - "I am twenty-nine"
Owen - "So you cant have a baby yet, until your thirty"
Auntie Lesleigh - "But your mom is younger then me, how come she already had a baby?"
Owen - "Because when she was born she was supposed to be twelve, so she was way ahead"
Auntie Lesleigh - "Oh ok so I can have a baby next year?"
Owen - "Well when you were a baby did you come early or late?"
Auntie Lesleigh - "I came right on time, I was born on my due date"
Owen - "Well then, you will have a baby when your thirty or thirty-one. If you are early when you are born then you will have a baby early, but if you are late when your born then you will have babies late. But you were right on time"
Owen - "And my mom told me you are taking a vitamin to get pregnant, so you will really have a baby soon!"

So in the eyes of this precious six year old, my problems are solved, in fact there is no reason I can't have a baby, I just have to wait until I am thirty,  and since that is only a few months away, then I should be all set for the new year! I am going to live in this moment for awhile, because I just love having this guy in my life.

Stress Test

I have been told time and time again by the masses that I am “too stressed” and that I need to “just stop thinking about it” and pregnancy will happen when my mind and body is in natural alignment. I have read about this “theory” and heard input from others, but I’ve decided that I will let experience speak for itself. The only research I need is what other infertile/formerly infertile women say and very few would attribute their personal reproductive issues with feelings of stress. Furthermore, if my body cannot handle the natural everyday stressors any general person must face (work, finances, relationships) then surely there must be medical issues causing my inability to manage stress and have nothing to do with my willingness to “just chill” (therefore completely beyond my control anyway). 

recently had a friend visit my house (bless her kind soul) with genuine concern about my overall mental health (not the first intervention) and I felt myself denying all of her concerns, then, afterward I wondered if perhaps she could see something that I wasn’t acknowledging. So, true to myself, I’ve been self-reflecting for the past couple of days.  I talked to my husband, my sister, and mom about it, but I just can’t understand why people are still suggesting stress is a factor. Sure, I have a challenging job (I’m a mental health nurse specializing in brain injuries), and we have house finances to look after, as well as our very own brand of relationship woes, but I pride myself on balancing my home and work life so that I can be a healthy, contributing member of my family. The stressors that I can identify in my life are what keeps me striving forward, I complete my very best work under pressure, which is likely the provoking factor why I began this blog, however none of this stress is too much to handle that my body should be rejecting pregnancy.

I, personally, would like to question why we are all so quick to reject infertility as a genuine medical diagnoses, and instead offer advice to others like “relax”, “don’t stress”,“ don’t think about it and it will happen”. When someone is diagnosed with Cancer we certainly don’t say “hey if you quit smoking it will go away!” We recognize Cancer as the very thing it is, a medical condition all I ask is that you treat my infertility in the same way. In all honestly, I would love to hear people tell me what I should be doing rather than the accusatory ‘don’ts’.  One of my sisters texted me with the suggestion that I start Acupuncture, something tangible that has research supporting its benefits in fertility, a message I will always appreciate and something I plan on trying.  When I am asked to stop stressing, it’s like asking me to stop breathing, my reaction to stress or pressure in my life is a completely subconscious  process that even if told to control it isn’t as easy as, say, telling me I should try massage, or yoga (also helpful suggestions that I have begun to try).

I will say it once more, I AM NOT STRESSED OUT and for that matter I am not depressed (any more). I have accepted my destiny to travel this emotional journey through infertility, and any other stressors in my life are common to me and therefore do not create the adverse reactions that would warrant me to become infertile. Much like the other women that have infertility issues, I want to rip my hair out every time I hear a person diagnose me, but instead laugh when I realize their comments are my only source of my stress/anxiety. 

I’ve said it before and I will say it again that I am blessed to have so many loving, supportive, and concerned people in my life, but I do feel that I am in control of my emotions and I am managing all the complexities of my situation in the following ways,

1. Daily self-reflection to keep my emotions in check.

2. Attending a Yoga, Tai Chi, and Pilates fusion class (complete with a ten minute meditation period) along    with other fun gym classes.

3. Massage Therapy (specializing in stretching and strengthening the muscles necessary for carrying a baby to term)

4. Writing and sharing my feelings, concerns, etc. mainly through my blog and also with family and friends as needed.

5. Improving communication with my husband and God.

6. Keeping my work-life stress to a minimum and utilizing my vacation days to help facilitate this.

7. Getting proper amounts of sleep, taking all necessary prenatal vitamins, improving my diet, and managing my general overall health.

8. Reading and researching infertility.

9. Maintaining a positive attitude and outlook on my situation (I have realized there is a lot of necessary information to be learned from this).

10. Building a community of women in similar situations to support and inspire one another.

If at any time I am feeling overwhelmed, stressed, or depressed about this in the future I will turn to someone I love and reach out for help, because even more then you, I want what is best for me too.  As for now, I assure you I genuinely feel at peace, because I have finally learned to work through my infertility without looking at timelines, I can focus on each day as it comes, and share with all of you what I am learning and feeling so I can help make every womans  journey through infertility a happier one.

XOXO,

Lesleigh

What I'm Not Writing

I had planned on posting a blog last evening, but as it turned out I ended up in a deep conversation, with my husband! I can't tell you how happy it makes me that we agreed to set aside some time to talk and we actually did. Pretty much my whole world knows how I am feeling since I have begun this post, but very little knew the inner feelings of my husband, including me. Despite my numerous attempts to get him to open up he just couldn't because unlike me he just wasn't ready (though I can't imagine he has much to complain about because men love sex, right?), anyway, last night he did, and it touched my heart. My husband loves me through and through, and despite struggles with his own feelings, he is much more concerned with listening to and supporting me, like a true Gentlemen. I just can't say enough that I am completely thrilled to have a solid relationship with my very best friend, to get me through all of this!

Here is a poem I found and I thought I'd share, because I'm going to go and talk with my husband again :) (I may post again later this evening)

Some dream of big houses
Or shiny new cars,
Ours is to someday
Hold a baby that's ours.
Some dream of more money
To hoard and to keep,
Mine is to someday
Rock my baby to sleep.
Some dream of careers
In buildings so tall,
His is to someday
Kick his kid a football.
Some dream of great power
To be strong and tough,
Ours is to someday
Have a child to love.
Some dream of things
Such as silver and gold
Ours is of the day
Our child we'll hold.

-Author Unknown

A Little Humor

It's not as if the appearance of my body is a tell-tale sign that I am infertile, its not as if I walk down the street and strangers who see me think to themselves "That poor women, she has been deceived by her womanhood and left childless", but I do often wonder what my body is saying or doing in response to (or the cause of) all this.

The other morning when I woke up not quite ready to jump out of bed I just laid there in thought. I began wondering the precise reasons why all this is happening since test after test has been done with no definitive result. If you know me, you know I have a sense of humor (probably my saving grace) so in true likeness I visualized my cheeky little ovaries with sly grins on their faces, playing keep away with my uterus. I imagined my uterus to be tearful and frustrated, unable to gain control of the situation as one of my ovaries threw my egg and the other caught it before poor uterus could intervene. This would continue back-and-forth with no end in sight. I imagined my ovaries laughing uncontrollably at the sight of my now angered uterus, and I began to laugh. I mean, imagine if it was that simple, Dr. does an ultrasound and sees my ovaries playing games with my uterus, I would probably just take a dose of Ritalin to calm those mo-foes down and boom, be pregnant.

After this moment, I began thinking about all the other responses my body is providing me in my need to get pregnant, and wondered, if I was weak enough to believe it, would I really be experiencing a pseudo-pregnancy. My belly has grown, (it would appear I am about four months pregnant), my breasts often get sore and swollen, I am nauseated nearly every morning. Of course, none of these signs are the real deal, its all more of just a comedy show my body is putting on. "That's great, you got me, now cut it out and kick it into high gear or I will get a tattoo of something hideous just to spite you!" There are women who have genuine real-live pseudo-pregnancies and it is nothing to make fun of, but now I can understand, it isn't just a thought process, it is a full body response to the desires of your heart. It's just a shame, in my case, that this doesn't mean the the whole "mind over matter" thing hasn't applied to me actually getting pregnant.

Regardless, I stand firm that It will happen... Soon!

So until then, I will enjoy the comedies of my own body and all its tomfoolery. In the meantime, If you happen to see any part of my reproductive system at yuk yuks doing stand up, kindly return it to me, I am ready to get this show on the road!

My Crystal Ball Moment

I am not sure if it is because I am working night shifts or if I was getting a glimpse of my future, either way I found my self slipping into a day dream this evening and it had me so hopeful for whats to come. Shane and I, and a friend were sitting in our living room, and as his friend was excitably telling Shane the story of his weekend I began looking around the room with images of baby being present at that very moment. I imagined purchasing a couple receiving blankets that were specific to each of my dogs (a boy one for Thai, and a girl one for Sophie) and bringing them to the hospital to have baby leave a scent, then I imagined Shane returning home with blankets in tow, and having the dogs cuddle them for days, knowing a new family member was coming home, and that they were the bodyguards. I imagined my dogs dragging the blankets around the house in excitement for whats to come. Then for a moment I snapped out of it, and listened again as our friend went on in enthusiastic detail, and as I looked over at Shane I pictured a tiny, fragile babe tucked in his arms as he rocked back-and-forth in our Ikea chair, at that moment he looked over at me and smiled  (as if he could see my thoughts floating in a cloud above my head). I imagined, what a sight it would be for Shane, a 6'5", broad-shouldered man, to be holding this tiny precious child not much larger then his hands and the love he would pour over it during each of these mundane moments of life. As I entered back into reality I realized I had tears of happiness in my eyes, and such a warmth and comfort in my heart. If ever there was a time that I should be given the promise from God parenthood is in the cards for me, then this was it!

Now, hours later, I can't help but allow myself to slip back to that moment. I am blessed with such an assurance that I married the most kind-hearted, compassionate man and I have absolutely no doubt in my mind that he is going to be the most perfect father, more perfect then I could have ever imagined. I have to ask, How did I get to be so lucky?? 

XOXO

Magazine Junkie

Here is a little taste of the new reading material I have been reviewing. Am I crazy? or am I just being prepared and well informed? Actually, within these magazines is the verification that I needed that I am not alone. It isnt just your typical lucky, happy, fertile types, there are tips, information, and naturopathic remedies for the less likely to get knocked up. My mom, in her general concern, provided me with the Alive magazine (often seen on shelves in Health food stores) because she came across an article about boosting your fertility, and creating a clean, healthy, organic living environment for babe. I initially read with enthusiasm because of course I am all for making my body a healthy place to live, but I quickly became overwhelmed with the information and nervous about some of the suggested supplements interfering with the medical fertility medications I have already been prescribed.

I had previously visited a naturopathic practitioner (at the suggestion of a friend) and I loved every minute of the appointment, because I felt like for once someone was thoroughly going through my health history for the first time. Then, I grew impatient of the results, and  ran directly to the medical field that I have grown so accustomed to trusting throughout my lifetime. I don't know if I made the right decision, but at the time, I had already been waiting months to get into the fertility specialist and felt that enough time had been wasted just waiting. I would love to have completed this process naturally (and I am sure there are others that judge me on my decisions) but, I am dealing with the hand that I have been dealt, and everyday  that nothing happens seems like another missed opportunity (and an eternity).

I am sure many of you know that a womans cycle is a tricky thing, and there is a very small window of opportunity on the "trying to conceive" front (3-5 days in fact). So when I am told to be patient or wait another day, please excuse my irritabilty, because when I miss those few days I am actually behind a whole other month. A struggle Dear hubby and I have been battling even without the infertility issue, since he often travels away from home for work and has been know to spend months on end hours away from home  (with the exception of weekends). I am sure you understand, time is something I do not have to waste.

I purchased my Fit Pregnancy magazine when I noticed an article titled "Expecting after Infertility", and it launched me into considering all the complex emotions I can anticipate when I finally do get pregnant. It was actually more of a validation of my feelings, and in all this irregular mess I am going through, at least my feelings are normal. It was a refreshing but emotional read, as it discussed the identity crisis I may face once pregnant. I mean, after all this, how would you tell an infertile friend that you have overcome these circumstances, when they are still struggling? I know I need not be ashamed of that time in my life, but I built up this blog to build a community of women in similar circumstances, and I feel as though I can't expect them to be happy for me after all of this, when they are still struggling with the pain of their own situation.

Regardless, I am not there yet, it was just something I needed to consider. I hope, as you follow my story you will understand just how complex a situation this can be, even long after a positive pregnancy test. Once again, my heart is filled with thankfulness for having your love and support!

Releasing My Negative Emotions

So I have been talking about our issues a lot lately, since I have had an overwhelming response to this blog. Turns out, I am NOT alone, and that this issue of (sigh) infertility is closer to home then I ever thought. I won't call people out on it, but as it turns out I have a number of friends (from my very own facebook friends list) that are/were going through much of the same struggles. It makes me emotional just thinking about the positive responses, and, for those that came forward, they will never know how comforting it was to know I am not alone, and that I have been able to help others to speak more freely about it.

I have given many of you the impression that I am strong and courageous for doing what I have done and beginning this blog, but I want to be honest and tell you that I continue to be weak and fragile. For those of you that have been through it, you understand, it takes an incredibly long time to feel any sort of positive. For those of you that haven't been through it, just sit back and listen, because I am going to give you tips and tricks for helping me (and others you may know) through these dark ages.

Firstly, I hit rock bottom in my life in February/March. I took a stress leave from work after an incident and while I was off  (for 6 weeks) I was certain being away from that stress would be just the ticket I needed to get pregnant. I even refused to complete all the WSIB forms because I felt like that was too much stress and would defeat my purpose of taking the leave. I was wrong about everything and the only thing that happened was that I had too much time on my hands to think about everything I was going through. I quickly became depressed, I rarely got out of bed, and If I did I most certainly didn't get out of my pajamas, nor shower. I didn't answer the phone, and I made excuses to avoid hanging out with my friends (or even my husband for that matter). I never cooked or cleaned and made every excuse in the book, because I didnt want Shane catching on to me. I felt like a failure because I couldn't get pregnant, and doubly so because now I couldn't even face my job. I was so weak spirited that I became obsessive with the idea of dying, though I was only passively suicidal so I knew I was never going to act out on it. I came to a point where I knew I needed to get "well" and the worst place for me to be was sitting in my childless home. I asked my Dr. to sign me back to work, and when I returned I discovered that three of my work mates were pregnant. With one girl inparticular I nearly lost my breath, I could feel butterflies in my stomach and felt like I was going to vomit, I was very excited for her, I know she will be a great mom, but I felt like it should have been me first, because she had only just gotten married. So, I continued to struggle at work too. After that I discussed, for the first time, how I was feeling with my sisters and my mom and they were in complete shock, because I had hidden so much of what I was feeling from them. My sisters cried (probably because they were frightened they might lose me) and I felt better just saying everything I was feeling. I told them everything, about how I knew I wanted to be a mom my whole life, and that If I couldnt become a mom, then I didnt see any other purpose in my life. I didnt want to live a childless life, because that is ALL I have ever wanted. Even when Shane and I were planning to get married, people would ask why I knew he was the one, and all those other typical marital questions. My response was "I am not marrying a husband, I am marrying the father of my children". It was during this conversation that I realized for my own health I desperately needed to start changing my attitude, no matter how hard it was to get passed it all. Here are the steps to my success:

1. Appropriate Your Anger and Have Thankfulness for What is Good. I was filled with so much anger and I needed to discover the source of my it and stop misappropriating it on the ones I loved (Shane in particular). For a long time I thought I was angry with God for withholding from me my hearts deepest desires, but when I really thought about it, it wasn't like that at all. I know our life is blessed by God, he blesses us and comes through for us through all our struggles. We have a beautiful home, reliable vehicles, our dogs, our families, and great careers, whenever we start to go through a financial struggle we always end up getting a surprise cheque in the mail (true story). So I know beyond a Shadow of a doubt he is looking after us. Shane, Bless his soul, provides me with love when I need it, space when i need it, chocolate (often), he challenges me when I am feeling negative, and he is always there to point out our blessings when I am feeling abandoned (even if I am not ready to hear it). So, what I discovered, is that my anger stems from my need to control things, my need to have what I want when I need it, and my fear of whats to come. Its ok to feel that, as long as I know what my fears and angers are, I can work on them. I am learning to let go of my need to control, I am learning to be less selfish and impatient, and I am learning to trust God, and be thankful because even without kids (right now) Shane and I are still in an awesome place.

2. Live the Life You Want to Live. Taking on the concept of the power of positive thinking, I decided I wasn't going to hold myself back from making purchases or plans for baby. Since then, I continue to do my monthly jaunt around town checking out second hand stores, as I have always done, only now I will buy those "too cheap to pass up" baby purchases that I was so skeptical about before. I feel happier that I am preparing for baby, and it is distracting me from my negative feelings about the issue. I am still unsure if this is going to bite me in the ass (if no stork brings a delivery to our doorstep), but it makes me feel better for now, and has defintely lifted my spirits. Besides, I have gotten a gorgeous antique dresser, and cradle, that I just couldnt pass up. My theory behind it all is that if I continue to prepare for baby, then baby will surely come.

3. Explore Your Other Life Desires. Because I have been so emotionally attached to being a mother, I began feeling like there was no purpose in my life if I didnt have children. It was difficult for me, but I wanted to come up with a Plan B that would make me equally as happy as motherhood. So a discussion with Dear Hubby ensued, and I decided that if we don't succeed (which we will) we will buy a wonderful farm and open our own doggie daycare (as pups are the next best thing to babes). Much to my husbands dismay (as he saw dollar signs flashing before him) he agreed in an effort to save our marriage if things don't work out on the baby front.

4. Research and Educate Yourself. I began following blogs of other women and their accounts of their experiences. I also google everything I feel or am curious about regarding my fertiltiy medications, strategies, etc. I began reading parenting magazines, in particular, ones that have articles about infertility. I have taken a deep interest in all these issues and even though I didn't intend on it, I am getting very well educated and informed about the matter. I know the womens body far more then I ever cared to and now I feel empowered by my knowledge.

5. Document Your Emotions. Again, I can't even tell you how much this blog has helped me. Just the other day I told my husband that it has given me something to wake up in the morning and be excited to work on. Prior to putting it all into this electronic journal, I was feeling low and defeated. I would often cry in the middle of a conversation with no real reason or understanding of why I was crying. I felt like I was slipping away from Shane, and others around me. I felt abandoned and completely alone. The only person who truly knew how I was feeling was Shane, and he couldn't fully understand because he is full of testosterone, and that impedes his ability to be at my emotional level. Since starting this blog I feel freed and hopeful. I feel like I am once again fulfilling a purpose (helping others through similar circumstances) and exposing myself and my secret life to the world no longer to be a shameful experience. I am also releasing the blame I put on myself and have recognized that its not my fault. Not all women want to share their innermost feelings with the world (I was certainly skeptical about it) so share it in a personal journal, or start a private email to a close friend that would understand. I began a blog after a long talk with Shane where we discussed that some of my behaviours indicated that I had buried a lot of my emotion and wasn't properly releasing them (my increased shopping habit is always a good indicator that I am feeling extra stressed and overwhelmed with emotion) so this was the next best thing.

6. Seek Help from professionals. For me, I dont have an excuse because I have an awesome Employee Assistance Program that provides me with free counselling, although I haven't quite explored this route yet. Shane and I had marriage counselling prior to our wedding, it was our choice, so that we could overcome some of our fears about marriage and commitment (since the rising divorce rates caused a lot of anxiety for us). Having an appointment each week to spend time together and "talk" was the best thing we ever did, because we couldnt avoid it. For Shane, it was a way to learn to communicate his emotions (as guys generally lack this ability) and it has had a lasting effect on our communication with each other. I recently read an article that said many women with fertility issues are also turning to Doulas (A woman who assists another woman during labor and provides support and education to her, the infant, and the family after childbirth.) at an earlier stage to help support and educate them even through their infertility. Doulas often have many resources that they would recommend and best of all they take a much more naturopathic approach. Other resources are womens centres, and infertility clinics.

For those of you that haven't been through it, and are simply reading these posts to support me, or out of general curiosity, I'd love to teach you how to support me, not that these issues are currently a concern because I love and appreciate the support you have given thus far.

1. Be an open Ear. Just listen silently, because when I tell you how I am feeling, I am not looking for advice or even sympathy, I am simply looking for someone to listen. More often then not when I talk about it I manage to sort out my thoughts and find my own solution to the problem.

2. Don't Pretend to Understand If You Don't. Honestly, I am so thrilled and happy that you havent had to go through what I am going through. Your Uterus is loved and loves you in return, that is awesome! You don't need to pretend to have struggled for my sake. I get that you are feeling inclined to provide an experience so I don't feel alone, but if its not similar, then its actually more hurtful then good. (All you ladies that have told me your experience with infertility, I am not talking about you). PLEASE DO, lift me up with encouraging words, that you mean from your heart. Remind me that my husband loves me, and our marriage is strong enough to handle this. Tell me you are here for me every step of the way (and mean it), and most definitely, bring me chocolate!

3. Never (Ever) Tell Me About An Unwanted Pregnancy. Although I appreciate everyones struggle, I really can't handle listening to a story about someone you know that just got an abortion, and how sad for me to go through this when others are CHOOSING to get rid of their child. Women who have unwanted pregnancies go through their very own struggles (an experience I would never want to live through). What I am going through is much much different, and it is quite painful to hear of this when I know I would love and cherish that child with every fibre of my being.

4. Share this Blog With Women You Know. Part of my journey is to help other women, since I have so unfortunately been blessed with knowledge to live through this experience. I want to share this blog in an attempt to free women from their shame, and guilt regarding their own struggles. No longer do we need to be a prisoner of our situation.

I don't want to scare any of you wonderful people away, I just want you to know that as strong and open as I may seem, I would still appreciate if you treaded lightly around these topics (and I am sure your friends in this situation would appreciate it too). In return I promise to be there for you and provide you with the utmost sincerity and compassion through your lifes struggles if they should arise. So far, I have been filled with so much love and support that my heart is overflowing, I can never fully express the joy this has brought me.

Much Love,

Lesleigh

(Fur) Babies to the Rescue

It is certainly no secret that I am not a mother, though my heart longs for the moment it happens. I do, however, have two wonderfully loving dogs that fill my heart with joy and satisfaction. Of all the comforts in this time of pain, anger and general disappoint the love and dependence i receive from my dogs has been the strongest.

The most amazing thing about my dogs is that they are keen to every emotional turn I take (and I am no longer ashamed to admit for me it happens rapidly and frequently). Because of the emotional struggles I have faced over these months of infertility disappointments I have been struggling to be therapeutic at work and in Nursing the therapeutic technique is absolutely key, yet after each utterly draining day when I come home and flop down on the couch on the verge of tears my dogs are the first to ever so gently give my spirit a nudge. My Spirit by the way has been known to go MIA quite frequently and disappears for months on end, but my dogs have become professional spirit seekers lately. Last week I had a particularly emotional day at work leaving me questioning whether it was time to leave my profession for something that would require me to be less invested, yet when I arrived home and ran to my bed for a good cry there were my dogs to comfort me. Sophie, our lab, is so gentle and yearns for our direction before making decisions, so she paced around the bed waiting for an invitation, once offered she climbed on the bed with such ease, and her tail went wild as she neared me. Next, she lowered her ears and tucked her head in the concave space hidden in my neck. Her breathing alone is enough to stop my tears. Thai (the Chihuahua), is more aggressive in his movements along with a grandiose sense of entitlement. Naturally he is on the bed before he even knows where I am headed, and he is more concerned with getting his daily doses of kisses then to wait for any command or invitation from dear old mother. He barks with his whole body in an excited convulsion, and at this point I can't help but smile. Then, he gives me a moment to settle as he digs his way under the duvet and tucks himself into a ball between my legs (his favorite place to rest).


I often wonder if canines are a superior breed to human kind. They have an incredible ability to sense all our complex emotions, yet rendered incapable of feeling anything less then love. When I think about my dogs (or dogs in general) I am reminded of  this bible verse:

1 Corinthians 13: 4-8 "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails." 

A dog encompasses all those things in a simple uncomplicated manner without taking pride in their ability to do so nor expecting any credit or even love in return. In the nearly 30 years that I have been on this earth I don't know a single person that covets all those wonderful attributes. Don't get me wrong, my husband is a complete gem in my life, and tries with every fiber of his being, but there is just something refreshing about not having to utter a word, and yet my dogs know my minds deepest emotions with complete accuracy.

So sure I feel cheated out of a womb baby, but every morning I wake and see those adorable pup faces I am reminded of the rich blessings that have been showered upon me. They (along with my husband) make me feel thankfulness, despite everything else, And to top it all off they will be the most amazing protectors of baby when he/she ever decides to grace our lives. There is no doubt in my mind there is a whole lot of awesomeness in store for us!

Surviving Infertility: Our Story

Us in January 2012

Besides the obvious (doing our part in preventing the extinction of human kind) this is our story to share what we've been through and how far we have come. I am going to warn you, I will be honest about my feelings, but they are not always pleasant since this journey has stretched me thin, and made forceful attempts at straining my relationship with God and the people around me. None-the-less The purpose of this blog is to release me of my negative attitudes and continue hurdling forward until we have the family life we have always desired.

I have always known I wanted to be a mother and, as a mentioned before, since the time I was old enough to cradle a doll in my arms I have been committed to living a life fit to bear a child (or a dozen). I made conscious decisions to live free of all of the peer pressures youth face because as I would always say, I want to be able to teach my children my experience and not rely on the old  "Do as I say and not as I do" mantra. So it would seem only natural that for a woman of my desires and commitment it would be an easy task, and in no time I would be blessed with the whole Million dollar family thing, but instead I am dealt this nearly unbearable, heart-wrenching ordeal.

Shane always had reservations about having children, though he always knew there was a time and place in his life for them, he just wasn't filled with the comfort and ease that I was about the idea and since I know men struggle to step up to the task when they aren't ready, I waited until he was. I can remember when he began to warm up to the idea and when he finally told me "lets do it" (although later telling me "lets not" and continuing this back and forth for a few months) I was so excited, and looking at him and, the idea of him being a father, filled my heart with such an abundance of joy and love. That was nearly two years ago!

So it began... the exciting baby dancing, coming up with creative ways we would share the news with our families, watching mothers and fathers with their children on the streets while we secretly discussed their behaviors in a "I would/ would not do..." dialect. It was a fun time an exciting time, a time when my DH once said (spoken in a deep-from-the-throat male voice) "It only takes one time, I come from a long line of super sperm" (a small part of me believes this was the very moment I became infertile, you know the whole "Jinxed" thing). That lasted for eight months, before we made an appointment with our general practitioner to discuss our concerns.

Our first appt. was uneventful, Doc, said that It’s not a concern unless it has been over a year and to come back in January if we still weren't pregnant.

This brings me to a very important point that I must take a moment to discuss, the Canadian healthcare system is such a letdown if they are going to  make people wait a whole year before they even attempt to discuss or diagnose any concerns. In being frank about my struggles with the people in my everyday life, I have encountered the stories of others and have come to find out that Drs are treating forty-something women with these same standards. I mean, come on, how could they not expect these women who are now easing out of their prime baby-making life not want to hurry the process. Especially when there is an increased health risk for both baby and mom at that time. It is an understatement to say that I was (and continue to be) disappointed with our healthcare in these circumstances.

None-the-less we took Docs advice and continued TTC (trying to conceive). We returned to his office the following January (2012) and reported our concerns, Again! This time he listened and, as I mentioned in my previous post, filled us with statistics and information that we didn't fully comprehend. Driving home (equipped with lab requisitions, Specimen bottle, and an upcoming Ultrasound appointment) I cried, we argued over the information, and we accepted our fate as an infertile couple. Ultrasound was normal, b/w was normal, and DH provided his sample at a special lab in a special circumstance (a public washroom with a janitor banging on the bathroom door to rush him). Since you should be informed for future reference, a sperm specimen requires immediate testing and should therefore be a fresh sample at a lab that has their own testing resources (not shipped away somewhere). After we completed our tests our Doc. referred us to a Fertility clinic, where we would meet our Specialist. I don't want to talk badly about a specialist (especially one I am still currently seeing) but I felt like the very piece of numbered paper I pulled from the little red dispenser when I walked into his office, just another piece of disposable trash. Regardless, we talked with him, and with some very simple weekly blood tests during one month we came to the conclusion that I do not Ovulate. In hindsight, I had a the signs of this problem since I first hit puberty (irregular periods, dark hairs on my chin, acne, abdominal pain, and lower back pain which I had investigated years ago for suspected endometriosis). I couldn't believe it was that simple, and yet, we had to wait for a year (and three months by that time) to finally get this done! So with that the Specialist prescribed an oral medication that he prescribes for infertility (though its main purpose is to treat Breast Cancer). We lost another month, because the medication has a strict schedule to be taken on Day 3-7 of a womens cycle (and as luck would have it, I visited the Specialist to get the prescription on day 10 or so). 

So that was it, our prayers were answered, we were fixed now! Except... we weren't, or at least not yet. Our first month of the Fertility medications proved to be a very challenging for me. Complete with severe abdominal cramping, lower back pain, fluctuating emotions, and elevated temps. The specialist had instructed me to monitor for Cervical mucus to make sure I could identify when I was ovulating (aka the billings method) but I didn't even need to the pain and discomfort I felt during my week leading up to and including ovulation was so strong I already knew my cycle. Apparently 1 in 5 women are able feel their ovulation period. I was having blood work done weekly so the Specialist could verify that I had in fact ovulated this time. I felt ok the following week, but continued to have discomforting cramps, tender breasts and a bloated abdomen for the two weeks after that. In fact, on a special dinner/movie date I had cramps so bad that I told my husband that I was certain I had an ectopic pregnancy and that I was now in labor (an idea stemmed from watching to many episodes of  “I didn't know I was pregnant"). My period came the next morning, full steam!! I was so ill from the cramps and bleeding I swore I was never taking the medication again. I will refrain from describing the details, however, I joked that my circumstances that of a "murder scene". I visited a clinic, because I was certain I was losing too much blood, and the ruled out a few possibilities, before telling me to stop taking the medications and see my specialist right away. Two days later, I took my number from the red dispenser, sat depressed in the waiting room filled with pregnant women (why wouldn't they have a separate waiting room for the infertile, anyway???)  and waited. The specialist knew everything I was about to tell him, because the blood work said it all. I was pregnant, once! I had a seed, but it never lived long enough to bloom, all the pain and bleeding wasn't normal after all it was simply a chemical pregnancy or as we are more familiar a miscarriage. Once again, I fell into the minority... 25% of women who experience this, and the statistics increase for women who have had one. 

So, I walked out passed the room full of pregnant women though I only noticed the two young pregnant girls in the corner, and felt a surge of anger. I decided at that moment I had two ways of looking at this,

1. My life sucks, I am a failure, and everything bad that could happen to me will, OR

2. This is a success! After all this was the first time that I was able to get pregnant, and it was ONLY the first month of the medication. My heart was lifted, once again I had a speckle of hope. After much research, I have come to discover that a chemical pregnancy is a womens insurance policy for a healthy baby. It is our bodys ability to assess the quality of the sperm and egg and naturally abort a less than ideal seed. So, despite my misfortune, I was actually protected from a potentially worse medical and emotional disaster in the future.

So that brings me to now, today marks one week from that devastating news. I may feel like a failure on the motherhood front, but I have mastered success in picking myself up again, and my husband has learned to be a bigger support than ever. So we have begun month two of the fertility drugs, this time adding prenatal vitamins, folic acid, Vitamin B12, and Omega 3 to my medication regime, and our hope continues for a brighter future!

"Through better, for worse, in sadness and joy"