Birds, Bees, And A Little Medical Intervention

Spending most of my life in a predominantly female industry I am consistently reminded of the ease in which some women can get pregnant, since with each new day I see yet another coworker with the makings of a baby bump. I was caught in thought the other day and was reminded of how long this process has been, it may not be as long as it feels (and it feels like forever), but I am slowly seeing woman-after-woman filter back into work after their year long maternity leave. I reminisce back to the beginning when I was still naive enough to believe was that all it took was a little of the birds and the bees analogy and I would be preggers. Now I am watching as others are throwing one year birthday parties for their children and reluctantly returning to work in a guilty mood for causing the teary drop-off at the sitters. I just can't help but think, that should have been me! Although, I also can't help but think that I still get to  look forward to a one year hiatus from work. I do feel like this is anniversary of sorts as should I have gotten pregnant back when we first started, we too would be celebrating Baby P's first birthday too.

Despite my little mumble above, I am feeling much, much better. I have been in positive spirits lately and this past month was the first where I didn't count out the days of my cycle, spend every moment thinking about fertility, imagine pregnancy symptoms, or cry. I simply just lived my life as I wished and "let it be". I didn't get pregnant, I didn't even really try, I just enjoyed being, since my own self somehow got smothered under all of this nonsense. I have been able to rediscover me, and I've been working on recognizing what else I'd like to accomplish in life. I am starting a new job in October, mainly in my attempt to remove all unnecessary stressors from my life I will be still at the same facility but I will be on a whole new unit with a lot less political drama. Shane too is on a career curve as he is wrapping up his final year of his electrical apprenticeship and he couldn't be more thrilled to be ending that lengthy chapter in his life. Together, we have finally been back to our general practitioner for a referral to a new fertility specialist, and an appointment is now currently in the works. It will mean a much longer drive for appointments, but to us its a small price to pay for the opportunity to see the most recommended Specialist in the area and a being a part of this state-of-the-art facility.

I recently attended a Baby shower for a cousin, a very cute, perfectly nostalgic Peter Rabbit themed baby girl shower. It was filled with plenty of smiles, food, and games, and the most delicious lemon raspberry cupcakes one could imagine. My mom and I created a fantastically girly, pink and yellow diaper cake complete with all the frilly embellishments.  We got her the expected adorable baby girl outfit, and even splurged a little for the "big sister" their dog. Then it happened my aunt whispered in my ear "Lesleigh, it will be your turn next. I commend you for coming here today", I swallowed hard, as my eyes welled up and I stood stunned as I tried make sense of this. I had come to a point where I was comfortable with what I have been dealt, now I am being reminded that its okay to feel the pain. Up until that point, It never even crossed my mind that this was sad for me. This mom-to-be is a new family member in my life (married to my cousin) and I look forward to getting to know her, she is older then me, been married longer, it only seemed natural that these two people would be having children first. But those words made me really wonder, how do I really feel? I wiped the tears from my eyes, and decided, I could let this bother me, I had every right to be sad, angry, and upset, OR I could just be happy for this new life that is coming into the world to this wonderful family, and I still am a part of it. It has taken me ages to get to this point, but It feels so incredibly good to know that I have the strength to enjoy even these moments, so much more then felling bad for myself ever did. It feels so good to be me again!

Precious Moments

Life is filled with so many precious moments, I know this past week I have experienced many. I took a hiatus from my blog and focused on life instead of infertility, hubby and I celebrated our anniversary, had a weekend full of friendships, and I was gifted a fertility doll from my sister and  brother-in-law. I do, however, have one very special moment I wanted to share.

I had the pleasure of looking after my six year old nephew yesterday, he is such a clever intuitive soul. We spent much of the day doing nephew and Auntie type stuff like visiting a local bulk food store to stock up on candy, taking the dogs to the park, and buying a fish with all the fixings. I was feeling so lucky to have unexpectedly got him for the day (my sister was stuck for a sitter at the last moment) and for having distracted him enough to keep him away from video games so we actually got to have genuine quality time. But then, as the day was coming to an end, we had a conversation that completely melted my heart.

Owen -  "Auntie Lesleigh, I know you had a miscarriage"
Auntie Lesleigh - "What do you mean!" (Surprised)
Owen - "I know that you had a baby in your belly that wasn't really grown into a baby yet and it died"
Auntie Lesleigh - "Oh" (Sill shocked and surprised)
Owen - "And I know why they call it a miscarriage, its because the baby misses its first time in a carriage"
Auntie Lesleigh - (giggling) "That sounds about right!"

Then I stared out the window as I was driving down a country road, completely stunned by his interpretation of the information he had been provided. I thought, how lucky I am to have this child in my life, and even if I don't have my own, man is it ever fun to be an auntie.

And, I slipped back to reality...

Auntie Lesleigh - "How do you know all this?"
Owen - "My mom told me, she likes to talk to me about everyones struggles"
Auntie Lesleigh - "So how does a baby get in my belly?"
Owen - "Well girls are born with a bag in their belly and it grows and grows and then there is a baby inside, then it pops and the baby comes out"
Auntie Lesleigh - "So if the baby just comes from the mommy then how does the baby get a daddy?"
Owen - "Well before I was born, my mommy and daddy were friends, daddy would always tell his mom about mommy, and mommy would always tell her mom about daddy, then one day they said 'we are having a baby' and that was it"
Owen - "But you have to be thirty to have a baby, how old are you?"
Auntie Lesleigh - "I am twenty-nine"
Owen - "So you cant have a baby yet, until your thirty"
Auntie Lesleigh - "But your mom is younger then me, how come she already had a baby?"
Owen - "Because when she was born she was supposed to be twelve, so she was way ahead"
Auntie Lesleigh - "Oh ok so I can have a baby next year?"
Owen - "Well when you were a baby did you come early or late?"
Auntie Lesleigh - "I came right on time, I was born on my due date"
Owen - "Well then, you will have a baby when your thirty or thirty-one. If you are early when you are born then you will have a baby early, but if you are late when your born then you will have babies late. But you were right on time"
Owen - "And my mom told me you are taking a vitamin to get pregnant, so you will really have a baby soon!"

So in the eyes of this precious six year old, my problems are solved, in fact there is no reason I can't have a baby, I just have to wait until I am thirty,  and since that is only a few months away, then I should be all set for the new year! I am going to live in this moment for awhile, because I just love having this guy in my life.

Stress Test

I have been told time and time again by the masses that I am “too stressed” and that I need to “just stop thinking about it” and pregnancy will happen when my mind and body is in natural alignment. I have read about this “theory” and heard input from others, but I’ve decided that I will let experience speak for itself. The only research I need is what other infertile/formerly infertile women say and very few would attribute their personal reproductive issues with feelings of stress. Furthermore, if my body cannot handle the natural everyday stressors any general person must face (work, finances, relationships) then surely there must be medical issues causing my inability to manage stress and have nothing to do with my willingness to “just chill” (therefore completely beyond my control anyway). 

recently had a friend visit my house (bless her kind soul) with genuine concern about my overall mental health (not the first intervention) and I felt myself denying all of her concerns, then, afterward I wondered if perhaps she could see something that I wasn’t acknowledging. So, true to myself, I’ve been self-reflecting for the past couple of days.  I talked to my husband, my sister, and mom about it, but I just can’t understand why people are still suggesting stress is a factor. Sure, I have a challenging job (I’m a mental health nurse specializing in brain injuries), and we have house finances to look after, as well as our very own brand of relationship woes, but I pride myself on balancing my home and work life so that I can be a healthy, contributing member of my family. The stressors that I can identify in my life are what keeps me striving forward, I complete my very best work under pressure, which is likely the provoking factor why I began this blog, however none of this stress is too much to handle that my body should be rejecting pregnancy.

I, personally, would like to question why we are all so quick to reject infertility as a genuine medical diagnoses, and instead offer advice to others like “relax”, “don’t stress”,“ don’t think about it and it will happen”. When someone is diagnosed with Cancer we certainly don’t say “hey if you quit smoking it will go away!” We recognize Cancer as the very thing it is, a medical condition all I ask is that you treat my infertility in the same way. In all honestly, I would love to hear people tell me what I should be doing rather than the accusatory ‘don’ts’.  One of my sisters texted me with the suggestion that I start Acupuncture, something tangible that has research supporting its benefits in fertility, a message I will always appreciate and something I plan on trying.  When I am asked to stop stressing, it’s like asking me to stop breathing, my reaction to stress or pressure in my life is a completely subconscious  process that even if told to control it isn’t as easy as, say, telling me I should try massage, or yoga (also helpful suggestions that I have begun to try).

I will say it once more, I AM NOT STRESSED OUT and for that matter I am not depressed (any more). I have accepted my destiny to travel this emotional journey through infertility, and any other stressors in my life are common to me and therefore do not create the adverse reactions that would warrant me to become infertile. Much like the other women that have infertility issues, I want to rip my hair out every time I hear a person diagnose me, but instead laugh when I realize their comments are my only source of my stress/anxiety. 

I’ve said it before and I will say it again that I am blessed to have so many loving, supportive, and concerned people in my life, but I do feel that I am in control of my emotions and I am managing all the complexities of my situation in the following ways,

1. Daily self-reflection to keep my emotions in check.

2. Attending a Yoga, Tai Chi, and Pilates fusion class (complete with a ten minute meditation period) along    with other fun gym classes.

3. Massage Therapy (specializing in stretching and strengthening the muscles necessary for carrying a baby to term)

4. Writing and sharing my feelings, concerns, etc. mainly through my blog and also with family and friends as needed.

5. Improving communication with my husband and God.

6. Keeping my work-life stress to a minimum and utilizing my vacation days to help facilitate this.

7. Getting proper amounts of sleep, taking all necessary prenatal vitamins, improving my diet, and managing my general overall health.

8. Reading and researching infertility.

9. Maintaining a positive attitude and outlook on my situation (I have realized there is a lot of necessary information to be learned from this).

10. Building a community of women in similar situations to support and inspire one another.

If at any time I am feeling overwhelmed, stressed, or depressed about this in the future I will turn to someone I love and reach out for help, because even more then you, I want what is best for me too.  As for now, I assure you I genuinely feel at peace, because I have finally learned to work through my infertility without looking at timelines, I can focus on each day as it comes, and share with all of you what I am learning and feeling so I can help make every womans  journey through infertility a happier one.

XOXO,

Lesleigh

What I'm Not Writing

I had planned on posting a blog last evening, but as it turned out I ended up in a deep conversation, with my husband! I can't tell you how happy it makes me that we agreed to set aside some time to talk and we actually did. Pretty much my whole world knows how I am feeling since I have begun this post, but very little knew the inner feelings of my husband, including me. Despite my numerous attempts to get him to open up he just couldn't because unlike me he just wasn't ready (though I can't imagine he has much to complain about because men love sex, right?), anyway, last night he did, and it touched my heart. My husband loves me through and through, and despite struggles with his own feelings, he is much more concerned with listening to and supporting me, like a true Gentlemen. I just can't say enough that I am completely thrilled to have a solid relationship with my very best friend, to get me through all of this!

Here is a poem I found and I thought I'd share, because I'm going to go and talk with my husband again :) (I may post again later this evening)

Some dream of big houses
Or shiny new cars,
Ours is to someday
Hold a baby that's ours.
Some dream of more money
To hoard and to keep,
Mine is to someday
Rock my baby to sleep.
Some dream of careers
In buildings so tall,
His is to someday
Kick his kid a football.
Some dream of great power
To be strong and tough,
Ours is to someday
Have a child to love.
Some dream of things
Such as silver and gold
Ours is of the day
Our child we'll hold.

-Author Unknown

A Little Humor

It's not as if the appearance of my body is a tell-tale sign that I am infertile, its not as if I walk down the street and strangers who see me think to themselves "That poor women, she has been deceived by her womanhood and left childless", but I do often wonder what my body is saying or doing in response to (or the cause of) all this.

The other morning when I woke up not quite ready to jump out of bed I just laid there in thought. I began wondering the precise reasons why all this is happening since test after test has been done with no definitive result. If you know me, you know I have a sense of humor (probably my saving grace) so in true likeness I visualized my cheeky little ovaries with sly grins on their faces, playing keep away with my uterus. I imagined my uterus to be tearful and frustrated, unable to gain control of the situation as one of my ovaries threw my egg and the other caught it before poor uterus could intervene. This would continue back-and-forth with no end in sight. I imagined my ovaries laughing uncontrollably at the sight of my now angered uterus, and I began to laugh. I mean, imagine if it was that simple, Dr. does an ultrasound and sees my ovaries playing games with my uterus, I would probably just take a dose of Ritalin to calm those mo-foes down and boom, be pregnant.

After this moment, I began thinking about all the other responses my body is providing me in my need to get pregnant, and wondered, if I was weak enough to believe it, would I really be experiencing a pseudo-pregnancy. My belly has grown, (it would appear I am about four months pregnant), my breasts often get sore and swollen, I am nauseated nearly every morning. Of course, none of these signs are the real deal, its all more of just a comedy show my body is putting on. "That's great, you got me, now cut it out and kick it into high gear or I will get a tattoo of something hideous just to spite you!" There are women who have genuine real-live pseudo-pregnancies and it is nothing to make fun of, but now I can understand, it isn't just a thought process, it is a full body response to the desires of your heart. It's just a shame, in my case, that this doesn't mean the the whole "mind over matter" thing hasn't applied to me actually getting pregnant.

Regardless, I stand firm that It will happen... Soon!

So until then, I will enjoy the comedies of my own body and all its tomfoolery. In the meantime, If you happen to see any part of my reproductive system at yuk yuks doing stand up, kindly return it to me, I am ready to get this show on the road!

My Crystal Ball Moment

I am not sure if it is because I am working night shifts or if I was getting a glimpse of my future, either way I found my self slipping into a day dream this evening and it had me so hopeful for whats to come. Shane and I, and a friend were sitting in our living room, and as his friend was excitably telling Shane the story of his weekend I began looking around the room with images of baby being present at that very moment. I imagined purchasing a couple receiving blankets that were specific to each of my dogs (a boy one for Thai, and a girl one for Sophie) and bringing them to the hospital to have baby leave a scent, then I imagined Shane returning home with blankets in tow, and having the dogs cuddle them for days, knowing a new family member was coming home, and that they were the bodyguards. I imagined my dogs dragging the blankets around the house in excitement for whats to come. Then for a moment I snapped out of it, and listened again as our friend went on in enthusiastic detail, and as I looked over at Shane I pictured a tiny, fragile babe tucked in his arms as he rocked back-and-forth in our Ikea chair, at that moment he looked over at me and smiled  (as if he could see my thoughts floating in a cloud above my head). I imagined, what a sight it would be for Shane, a 6'5", broad-shouldered man, to be holding this tiny precious child not much larger then his hands and the love he would pour over it during each of these mundane moments of life. As I entered back into reality I realized I had tears of happiness in my eyes, and such a warmth and comfort in my heart. If ever there was a time that I should be given the promise from God parenthood is in the cards for me, then this was it!

Now, hours later, I can't help but allow myself to slip back to that moment. I am blessed with such an assurance that I married the most kind-hearted, compassionate man and I have absolutely no doubt in my mind that he is going to be the most perfect father, more perfect then I could have ever imagined. I have to ask, How did I get to be so lucky?? 

XOXO

Magazine Junkie

Here is a little taste of the new reading material I have been reviewing. Am I crazy? or am I just being prepared and well informed? Actually, within these magazines is the verification that I needed that I am not alone. It isnt just your typical lucky, happy, fertile types, there are tips, information, and naturopathic remedies for the less likely to get knocked up. My mom, in her general concern, provided me with the Alive magazine (often seen on shelves in Health food stores) because she came across an article about boosting your fertility, and creating a clean, healthy, organic living environment for babe. I initially read with enthusiasm because of course I am all for making my body a healthy place to live, but I quickly became overwhelmed with the information and nervous about some of the suggested supplements interfering with the medical fertility medications I have already been prescribed.

I had previously visited a naturopathic practitioner (at the suggestion of a friend) and I loved every minute of the appointment, because I felt like for once someone was thoroughly going through my health history for the first time. Then, I grew impatient of the results, and  ran directly to the medical field that I have grown so accustomed to trusting throughout my lifetime. I don't know if I made the right decision, but at the time, I had already been waiting months to get into the fertility specialist and felt that enough time had been wasted just waiting. I would love to have completed this process naturally (and I am sure there are others that judge me on my decisions) but, I am dealing with the hand that I have been dealt, and everyday  that nothing happens seems like another missed opportunity (and an eternity).

I am sure many of you know that a womans cycle is a tricky thing, and there is a very small window of opportunity on the "trying to conceive" front (3-5 days in fact). So when I am told to be patient or wait another day, please excuse my irritabilty, because when I miss those few days I am actually behind a whole other month. A struggle Dear hubby and I have been battling even without the infertility issue, since he often travels away from home for work and has been know to spend months on end hours away from home  (with the exception of weekends). I am sure you understand, time is something I do not have to waste.

I purchased my Fit Pregnancy magazine when I noticed an article titled "Expecting after Infertility", and it launched me into considering all the complex emotions I can anticipate when I finally do get pregnant. It was actually more of a validation of my feelings, and in all this irregular mess I am going through, at least my feelings are normal. It was a refreshing but emotional read, as it discussed the identity crisis I may face once pregnant. I mean, after all this, how would you tell an infertile friend that you have overcome these circumstances, when they are still struggling? I know I need not be ashamed of that time in my life, but I built up this blog to build a community of women in similar circumstances, and I feel as though I can't expect them to be happy for me after all of this, when they are still struggling with the pain of their own situation.

Regardless, I am not there yet, it was just something I needed to consider. I hope, as you follow my story you will understand just how complex a situation this can be, even long after a positive pregnancy test. Once again, my heart is filled with thankfulness for having your love and support!

Releasing My Negative Emotions

So I have been talking about our issues a lot lately, since I have had an overwhelming response to this blog. Turns out, I am NOT alone, and that this issue of (sigh) infertility is closer to home then I ever thought. I won't call people out on it, but as it turns out I have a number of friends (from my very own facebook friends list) that are/were going through much of the same struggles. It makes me emotional just thinking about the positive responses, and, for those that came forward, they will never know how comforting it was to know I am not alone, and that I have been able to help others to speak more freely about it.

I have given many of you the impression that I am strong and courageous for doing what I have done and beginning this blog, but I want to be honest and tell you that I continue to be weak and fragile. For those of you that have been through it, you understand, it takes an incredibly long time to feel any sort of positive. For those of you that haven't been through it, just sit back and listen, because I am going to give you tips and tricks for helping me (and others you may know) through these dark ages.

Firstly, I hit rock bottom in my life in February/March. I took a stress leave from work after an incident and while I was off  (for 6 weeks) I was certain being away from that stress would be just the ticket I needed to get pregnant. I even refused to complete all the WSIB forms because I felt like that was too much stress and would defeat my purpose of taking the leave. I was wrong about everything and the only thing that happened was that I had too much time on my hands to think about everything I was going through. I quickly became depressed, I rarely got out of bed, and If I did I most certainly didn't get out of my pajamas, nor shower. I didn't answer the phone, and I made excuses to avoid hanging out with my friends (or even my husband for that matter). I never cooked or cleaned and made every excuse in the book, because I didnt want Shane catching on to me. I felt like a failure because I couldn't get pregnant, and doubly so because now I couldn't even face my job. I was so weak spirited that I became obsessive with the idea of dying, though I was only passively suicidal so I knew I was never going to act out on it. I came to a point where I knew I needed to get "well" and the worst place for me to be was sitting in my childless home. I asked my Dr. to sign me back to work, and when I returned I discovered that three of my work mates were pregnant. With one girl inparticular I nearly lost my breath, I could feel butterflies in my stomach and felt like I was going to vomit, I was very excited for her, I know she will be a great mom, but I felt like it should have been me first, because she had only just gotten married. So, I continued to struggle at work too. After that I discussed, for the first time, how I was feeling with my sisters and my mom and they were in complete shock, because I had hidden so much of what I was feeling from them. My sisters cried (probably because they were frightened they might lose me) and I felt better just saying everything I was feeling. I told them everything, about how I knew I wanted to be a mom my whole life, and that If I couldnt become a mom, then I didnt see any other purpose in my life. I didnt want to live a childless life, because that is ALL I have ever wanted. Even when Shane and I were planning to get married, people would ask why I knew he was the one, and all those other typical marital questions. My response was "I am not marrying a husband, I am marrying the father of my children". It was during this conversation that I realized for my own health I desperately needed to start changing my attitude, no matter how hard it was to get passed it all. Here are the steps to my success:

1. Appropriate Your Anger and Have Thankfulness for What is Good. I was filled with so much anger and I needed to discover the source of my it and stop misappropriating it on the ones I loved (Shane in particular). For a long time I thought I was angry with God for withholding from me my hearts deepest desires, but when I really thought about it, it wasn't like that at all. I know our life is blessed by God, he blesses us and comes through for us through all our struggles. We have a beautiful home, reliable vehicles, our dogs, our families, and great careers, whenever we start to go through a financial struggle we always end up getting a surprise cheque in the mail (true story). So I know beyond a Shadow of a doubt he is looking after us. Shane, Bless his soul, provides me with love when I need it, space when i need it, chocolate (often), he challenges me when I am feeling negative, and he is always there to point out our blessings when I am feeling abandoned (even if I am not ready to hear it). So, what I discovered, is that my anger stems from my need to control things, my need to have what I want when I need it, and my fear of whats to come. Its ok to feel that, as long as I know what my fears and angers are, I can work on them. I am learning to let go of my need to control, I am learning to be less selfish and impatient, and I am learning to trust God, and be thankful because even without kids (right now) Shane and I are still in an awesome place.

2. Live the Life You Want to Live. Taking on the concept of the power of positive thinking, I decided I wasn't going to hold myself back from making purchases or plans for baby. Since then, I continue to do my monthly jaunt around town checking out second hand stores, as I have always done, only now I will buy those "too cheap to pass up" baby purchases that I was so skeptical about before. I feel happier that I am preparing for baby, and it is distracting me from my negative feelings about the issue. I am still unsure if this is going to bite me in the ass (if no stork brings a delivery to our doorstep), but it makes me feel better for now, and has defintely lifted my spirits. Besides, I have gotten a gorgeous antique dresser, and cradle, that I just couldnt pass up. My theory behind it all is that if I continue to prepare for baby, then baby will surely come.

3. Explore Your Other Life Desires. Because I have been so emotionally attached to being a mother, I began feeling like there was no purpose in my life if I didnt have children. It was difficult for me, but I wanted to come up with a Plan B that would make me equally as happy as motherhood. So a discussion with Dear Hubby ensued, and I decided that if we don't succeed (which we will) we will buy a wonderful farm and open our own doggie daycare (as pups are the next best thing to babes). Much to my husbands dismay (as he saw dollar signs flashing before him) he agreed in an effort to save our marriage if things don't work out on the baby front.

4. Research and Educate Yourself. I began following blogs of other women and their accounts of their experiences. I also google everything I feel or am curious about regarding my fertiltiy medications, strategies, etc. I began reading parenting magazines, in particular, ones that have articles about infertility. I have taken a deep interest in all these issues and even though I didn't intend on it, I am getting very well educated and informed about the matter. I know the womens body far more then I ever cared to and now I feel empowered by my knowledge.

5. Document Your Emotions. Again, I can't even tell you how much this blog has helped me. Just the other day I told my husband that it has given me something to wake up in the morning and be excited to work on. Prior to putting it all into this electronic journal, I was feeling low and defeated. I would often cry in the middle of a conversation with no real reason or understanding of why I was crying. I felt like I was slipping away from Shane, and others around me. I felt abandoned and completely alone. The only person who truly knew how I was feeling was Shane, and he couldn't fully understand because he is full of testosterone, and that impedes his ability to be at my emotional level. Since starting this blog I feel freed and hopeful. I feel like I am once again fulfilling a purpose (helping others through similar circumstances) and exposing myself and my secret life to the world no longer to be a shameful experience. I am also releasing the blame I put on myself and have recognized that its not my fault. Not all women want to share their innermost feelings with the world (I was certainly skeptical about it) so share it in a personal journal, or start a private email to a close friend that would understand. I began a blog after a long talk with Shane where we discussed that some of my behaviours indicated that I had buried a lot of my emotion and wasn't properly releasing them (my increased shopping habit is always a good indicator that I am feeling extra stressed and overwhelmed with emotion) so this was the next best thing.

6. Seek Help from professionals. For me, I dont have an excuse because I have an awesome Employee Assistance Program that provides me with free counselling, although I haven't quite explored this route yet. Shane and I had marriage counselling prior to our wedding, it was our choice, so that we could overcome some of our fears about marriage and commitment (since the rising divorce rates caused a lot of anxiety for us). Having an appointment each week to spend time together and "talk" was the best thing we ever did, because we couldnt avoid it. For Shane, it was a way to learn to communicate his emotions (as guys generally lack this ability) and it has had a lasting effect on our communication with each other. I recently read an article that said many women with fertility issues are also turning to Doulas (A woman who assists another woman during labor and provides support and education to her, the infant, and the family after childbirth.) at an earlier stage to help support and educate them even through their infertility. Doulas often have many resources that they would recommend and best of all they take a much more naturopathic approach. Other resources are womens centres, and infertility clinics.

For those of you that haven't been through it, and are simply reading these posts to support me, or out of general curiosity, I'd love to teach you how to support me, not that these issues are currently a concern because I love and appreciate the support you have given thus far.

1. Be an open Ear. Just listen silently, because when I tell you how I am feeling, I am not looking for advice or even sympathy, I am simply looking for someone to listen. More often then not when I talk about it I manage to sort out my thoughts and find my own solution to the problem.

2. Don't Pretend to Understand If You Don't. Honestly, I am so thrilled and happy that you havent had to go through what I am going through. Your Uterus is loved and loves you in return, that is awesome! You don't need to pretend to have struggled for my sake. I get that you are feeling inclined to provide an experience so I don't feel alone, but if its not similar, then its actually more hurtful then good. (All you ladies that have told me your experience with infertility, I am not talking about you). PLEASE DO, lift me up with encouraging words, that you mean from your heart. Remind me that my husband loves me, and our marriage is strong enough to handle this. Tell me you are here for me every step of the way (and mean it), and most definitely, bring me chocolate!

3. Never (Ever) Tell Me About An Unwanted Pregnancy. Although I appreciate everyones struggle, I really can't handle listening to a story about someone you know that just got an abortion, and how sad for me to go through this when others are CHOOSING to get rid of their child. Women who have unwanted pregnancies go through their very own struggles (an experience I would never want to live through). What I am going through is much much different, and it is quite painful to hear of this when I know I would love and cherish that child with every fibre of my being.

4. Share this Blog With Women You Know. Part of my journey is to help other women, since I have so unfortunately been blessed with knowledge to live through this experience. I want to share this blog in an attempt to free women from their shame, and guilt regarding their own struggles. No longer do we need to be a prisoner of our situation.

I don't want to scare any of you wonderful people away, I just want you to know that as strong and open as I may seem, I would still appreciate if you treaded lightly around these topics (and I am sure your friends in this situation would appreciate it too). In return I promise to be there for you and provide you with the utmost sincerity and compassion through your lifes struggles if they should arise. So far, I have been filled with so much love and support that my heart is overflowing, I can never fully express the joy this has brought me.

Much Love,

Lesleigh

(Fur) Babies to the Rescue

It is certainly no secret that I am not a mother, though my heart longs for the moment it happens. I do, however, have two wonderfully loving dogs that fill my heart with joy and satisfaction. Of all the comforts in this time of pain, anger and general disappoint the love and dependence i receive from my dogs has been the strongest.

The most amazing thing about my dogs is that they are keen to every emotional turn I take (and I am no longer ashamed to admit for me it happens rapidly and frequently). Because of the emotional struggles I have faced over these months of infertility disappointments I have been struggling to be therapeutic at work and in Nursing the therapeutic technique is absolutely key, yet after each utterly draining day when I come home and flop down on the couch on the verge of tears my dogs are the first to ever so gently give my spirit a nudge. My Spirit by the way has been known to go MIA quite frequently and disappears for months on end, but my dogs have become professional spirit seekers lately. Last week I had a particularly emotional day at work leaving me questioning whether it was time to leave my profession for something that would require me to be less invested, yet when I arrived home and ran to my bed for a good cry there were my dogs to comfort me. Sophie, our lab, is so gentle and yearns for our direction before making decisions, so she paced around the bed waiting for an invitation, once offered she climbed on the bed with such ease, and her tail went wild as she neared me. Next, she lowered her ears and tucked her head in the concave space hidden in my neck. Her breathing alone is enough to stop my tears. Thai (the Chihuahua), is more aggressive in his movements along with a grandiose sense of entitlement. Naturally he is on the bed before he even knows where I am headed, and he is more concerned with getting his daily doses of kisses then to wait for any command or invitation from dear old mother. He barks with his whole body in an excited convulsion, and at this point I can't help but smile. Then, he gives me a moment to settle as he digs his way under the duvet and tucks himself into a ball between my legs (his favorite place to rest).


I often wonder if canines are a superior breed to human kind. They have an incredible ability to sense all our complex emotions, yet rendered incapable of feeling anything less then love. When I think about my dogs (or dogs in general) I am reminded of  this bible verse:

1 Corinthians 13: 4-8 "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails." 

A dog encompasses all those things in a simple uncomplicated manner without taking pride in their ability to do so nor expecting any credit or even love in return. In the nearly 30 years that I have been on this earth I don't know a single person that covets all those wonderful attributes. Don't get me wrong, my husband is a complete gem in my life, and tries with every fiber of his being, but there is just something refreshing about not having to utter a word, and yet my dogs know my minds deepest emotions with complete accuracy.

So sure I feel cheated out of a womb baby, but every morning I wake and see those adorable pup faces I am reminded of the rich blessings that have been showered upon me. They (along with my husband) make me feel thankfulness, despite everything else, And to top it all off they will be the most amazing protectors of baby when he/she ever decides to grace our lives. There is no doubt in my mind there is a whole lot of awesomeness in store for us!

Surviving Infertility: Our Story

Us in January 2012

Besides the obvious (doing our part in preventing the extinction of human kind) this is our story to share what we've been through and how far we have come. I am going to warn you, I will be honest about my feelings, but they are not always pleasant since this journey has stretched me thin, and made forceful attempts at straining my relationship with God and the people around me. None-the-less The purpose of this blog is to release me of my negative attitudes and continue hurdling forward until we have the family life we have always desired.

I have always known I wanted to be a mother and, as a mentioned before, since the time I was old enough to cradle a doll in my arms I have been committed to living a life fit to bear a child (or a dozen). I made conscious decisions to live free of all of the peer pressures youth face because as I would always say, I want to be able to teach my children my experience and not rely on the old  "Do as I say and not as I do" mantra. So it would seem only natural that for a woman of my desires and commitment it would be an easy task, and in no time I would be blessed with the whole Million dollar family thing, but instead I am dealt this nearly unbearable, heart-wrenching ordeal.

Shane always had reservations about having children, though he always knew there was a time and place in his life for them, he just wasn't filled with the comfort and ease that I was about the idea and since I know men struggle to step up to the task when they aren't ready, I waited until he was. I can remember when he began to warm up to the idea and when he finally told me "lets do it" (although later telling me "lets not" and continuing this back and forth for a few months) I was so excited, and looking at him and, the idea of him being a father, filled my heart with such an abundance of joy and love. That was nearly two years ago!

So it began... the exciting baby dancing, coming up with creative ways we would share the news with our families, watching mothers and fathers with their children on the streets while we secretly discussed their behaviors in a "I would/ would not do..." dialect. It was a fun time an exciting time, a time when my DH once said (spoken in a deep-from-the-throat male voice) "It only takes one time, I come from a long line of super sperm" (a small part of me believes this was the very moment I became infertile, you know the whole "Jinxed" thing). That lasted for eight months, before we made an appointment with our general practitioner to discuss our concerns.

Our first appt. was uneventful, Doc, said that It’s not a concern unless it has been over a year and to come back in January if we still weren't pregnant.

This brings me to a very important point that I must take a moment to discuss, the Canadian healthcare system is such a letdown if they are going to  make people wait a whole year before they even attempt to discuss or diagnose any concerns. In being frank about my struggles with the people in my everyday life, I have encountered the stories of others and have come to find out that Drs are treating forty-something women with these same standards. I mean, come on, how could they not expect these women who are now easing out of their prime baby-making life not want to hurry the process. Especially when there is an increased health risk for both baby and mom at that time. It is an understatement to say that I was (and continue to be) disappointed with our healthcare in these circumstances.

None-the-less we took Docs advice and continued TTC (trying to conceive). We returned to his office the following January (2012) and reported our concerns, Again! This time he listened and, as I mentioned in my previous post, filled us with statistics and information that we didn't fully comprehend. Driving home (equipped with lab requisitions, Specimen bottle, and an upcoming Ultrasound appointment) I cried, we argued over the information, and we accepted our fate as an infertile couple. Ultrasound was normal, b/w was normal, and DH provided his sample at a special lab in a special circumstance (a public washroom with a janitor banging on the bathroom door to rush him). Since you should be informed for future reference, a sperm specimen requires immediate testing and should therefore be a fresh sample at a lab that has their own testing resources (not shipped away somewhere). After we completed our tests our Doc. referred us to a Fertility clinic, where we would meet our Specialist. I don't want to talk badly about a specialist (especially one I am still currently seeing) but I felt like the very piece of numbered paper I pulled from the little red dispenser when I walked into his office, just another piece of disposable trash. Regardless, we talked with him, and with some very simple weekly blood tests during one month we came to the conclusion that I do not Ovulate. In hindsight, I had a the signs of this problem since I first hit puberty (irregular periods, dark hairs on my chin, acne, abdominal pain, and lower back pain which I had investigated years ago for suspected endometriosis). I couldn't believe it was that simple, and yet, we had to wait for a year (and three months by that time) to finally get this done! So with that the Specialist prescribed an oral medication that he prescribes for infertility (though its main purpose is to treat Breast Cancer). We lost another month, because the medication has a strict schedule to be taken on Day 3-7 of a womens cycle (and as luck would have it, I visited the Specialist to get the prescription on day 10 or so). 

So that was it, our prayers were answered, we were fixed now! Except... we weren't, or at least not yet. Our first month of the Fertility medications proved to be a very challenging for me. Complete with severe abdominal cramping, lower back pain, fluctuating emotions, and elevated temps. The specialist had instructed me to monitor for Cervical mucus to make sure I could identify when I was ovulating (aka the billings method) but I didn't even need to the pain and discomfort I felt during my week leading up to and including ovulation was so strong I already knew my cycle. Apparently 1 in 5 women are able feel their ovulation period. I was having blood work done weekly so the Specialist could verify that I had in fact ovulated this time. I felt ok the following week, but continued to have discomforting cramps, tender breasts and a bloated abdomen for the two weeks after that. In fact, on a special dinner/movie date I had cramps so bad that I told my husband that I was certain I had an ectopic pregnancy and that I was now in labor (an idea stemmed from watching to many episodes of  “I didn't know I was pregnant"). My period came the next morning, full steam!! I was so ill from the cramps and bleeding I swore I was never taking the medication again. I will refrain from describing the details, however, I joked that my circumstances that of a "murder scene". I visited a clinic, because I was certain I was losing too much blood, and the ruled out a few possibilities, before telling me to stop taking the medications and see my specialist right away. Two days later, I took my number from the red dispenser, sat depressed in the waiting room filled with pregnant women (why wouldn't they have a separate waiting room for the infertile, anyway???)  and waited. The specialist knew everything I was about to tell him, because the blood work said it all. I was pregnant, once! I had a seed, but it never lived long enough to bloom, all the pain and bleeding wasn't normal after all it was simply a chemical pregnancy or as we are more familiar a miscarriage. Once again, I fell into the minority... 25% of women who experience this, and the statistics increase for women who have had one. 

So, I walked out passed the room full of pregnant women though I only noticed the two young pregnant girls in the corner, and felt a surge of anger. I decided at that moment I had two ways of looking at this,

1. My life sucks, I am a failure, and everything bad that could happen to me will, OR

2. This is a success! After all this was the first time that I was able to get pregnant, and it was ONLY the first month of the medication. My heart was lifted, once again I had a speckle of hope. After much research, I have come to discover that a chemical pregnancy is a womens insurance policy for a healthy baby. It is our bodys ability to assess the quality of the sperm and egg and naturally abort a less than ideal seed. So, despite my misfortune, I was actually protected from a potentially worse medical and emotional disaster in the future.

So that brings me to now, today marks one week from that devastating news. I may feel like a failure on the motherhood front, but I have mastered success in picking myself up again, and my husband has learned to be a bigger support than ever. So we have begun month two of the fertility drugs, this time adding prenatal vitamins, folic acid, Vitamin B12, and Omega 3 to my medication regime, and our hope continues for a brighter future!

"Through better, for worse, in sadness and joy"

Why Me?

Each day I am faced with the challange of identifying my emotions because for me this is all part of the healing process since being faced with the bad news I get dealt is certainly enough to make the average woman breakdown. It also helps me dig deeper into the reasons why this is happening to us, because lets face it, it just doesnt make any sense! Shane (also referred to as dear hubby or DH) and I are a successful, married couple, who have all our ducks in a row: a beautiful (to us) home, reliable vehicles, professional careers, supportive families complete with THREE (potential) doting aunties, and two child-proofed dogs. Granted we are lacking a white picket fence, but come on, do we not sound PERFECT for parenthood?? Regardless, I am commited to remaining positive, and maintaining an anger-free Uterus for our eventual miracle. So with that said, I have compiled a list of the reasons why this unfortunate occurance has struck our household.

1. Our marriage is built on a strong foundation. Those who know DH and I well, understand that we have a very tight relationship, and despite infertility being a mounting force attempting to divide us, we stand stronger together. In fact, this experience, has brought us closer and improved our communication with each other a great deal.

2. I needed to be blessed with an extra-long period for nesting. I am a self-proclaimed neurotic, and I know my friends and family would concur that I am a "Neat-freak" to the umpth degree. So, it would only be natural that I would be given the extra time to prepare, and nest. And let me tell you after 1.5+ years of Baby dancing with no avail, you NEST regardless of a big fat positive pregnancy test.

3. We have two wonderful dogs that still require 100% of our love and attention. I am proud to be a fur-mom (especially at this time of struggle) to a cheeky chihuahua (Thai), and a soft-hearted Lab (Sophie). They fill our lives with such joy, and when we originally made the decision to begin our family, I went through very real emotions of guilt over displacing the love I have for my pups. Similiarly (I can only imagine), to the feelings a parent would feel when having a second child, you just cant imagine having enough love in your heart to provide each and everyone you love with the love and attention they deserve.

4. When my Infertile Hurdle is won, I will have gained a life experience that will empower me forever. When I am given advice (and it happens frequently) from friends that have not been through this experience, I am reminded that when we have overcome this obstacle, we will have a greater understanding of what it means to get pregnant. Afterall, isnt all lifes experiences meant to empower us?

5. I am on a mission to empower and inspire others (aka You). Just as I have been put on this earth to be moved and strengthened by my own exeriences, I am also here to share them and encourage and inspire others. In fact, the very purpose of me creating this blog was to build a community of people in a similar situations, so we no longer have to turn to people who just don't understand.

So, this is how I will continue to live each day, with a peace in my heart, and hope for the future. Feel free to share some of your positive outlooks with me, I would love to hear them, besides looking at it now my list looks a little too short, and I would love to build on it!

Becoming Infertile

Despite the misleading title of this post, one does not just "Become" infertile, at least I am certain it is not so, nor, I am sure, would one be able to pinpoint the exact moment this happens. For us it was more of a journey as we continued month after month "trying" to create a living being in the labortory that is my body and time-after-time we failed (a word that has never existed in the vocabulary of my husband nor I until now). Regardless, we looked past all the negative and continued to trudge through on our journey to build our family. First, seeing our general Doctor then a Fertility Specialist, having test after test performed to get to the bottom of this less then ideal situation, then nearly three months later discovering that we (err I) am "infertile". Don't be fooled, its not as if you visit a Dr. and he instructs you to sit for the upcoming bad news, no, they sort of huff and puff and beat around the bush providing you with statistics about the tenth percentile that cannot get pregnant in the first year. As you digest the information and you run the math in your head you begin to calculate the truth that is hidden between the lines, that he is talking about YOU. You are the big "I" word, yes you, the woman that has been planning her family since you were old enough to cradle a doll in your arms. So, as my husband and I drove home we sort of argued over the information, my husband sure that he meant that only 10% of people succeed at pregnancy in the first year, and I (naturally) arguing the truth. In fact, we actually had to google the information when we got home just to be certain who interpretted the information correctly. So that was that, the truth was out, I had "become infertile" and later attributing this to my inability to Ovulate, burdening myself, and dear hubby with the trouble that lay ahead with fertility treatments. If thats not the major failure of a womans life, then I don't know what is, However, one thing I have always succeeded at is being optomistic, driven, and determined (as is my Husband), so here begins our online accounts of our infertile Hurdle.

Please Join me (and DH) on this journey of understanding and overcoming infertility as I post my most sacred emotions, updates, and any uncovered research or fertility options I can discover while I am on this search for answers.