My Grown Up Christmas

So its Christmas time again, which marks a time of giving, love,  and spending time with family. But this year I can’t help but reflect on the sadness surrounding this particular Christmas season, and for once, it’s not for my own self pity. I am reminded of the preciousness of life as I reflect on the events of the Connecticut school shooting, and imagining that it must be so very difficult for these families to find joy in these next few days. I imagine of those families the parents that have other children must be desperately trying to bury their sadness for the sake of their living children in order to keep the memory of Christmas Magical. I imagine all of the effected families are guilt stricken in the rare moments that they feel a small sense of happiness as their memories return to their young innocent child that was lost. I reflect on my disappointment and my shame in myself for being so internally focused while all this was going on.

I was inspired recently by a radio stations announcement to participate in the “26 acts of kindness”, as a way of building a positive memory of those lost on this day. It was described as a challenge for followers to participate in “26 Acts of Kindness” up until Christmas day, as a way of keeping the memory of this tragedy in a positive light. I was immediately compelled to participate in these acts and find every opportunity to live out these “26 Acts of Kindness” before Christmas came. I was not successful; in fact, I only completed one (very lame) act of kindness. Granted, I made it a much more difficult challenge for myself since I agreed to only count the twenty-six acts that I found to be “Above and Beyond” my usual. For instance, I often hold doors for others and I am polite during interactions with sales people, so neither of these seemed suitable in this instance. I also found that it was often others that scooped up these opportunities of kindness since the Christmas season tends to bring out the softer side of our neighbors. So, my confidence in the kindness of humankind has been restored, if just for a short time, but It was refreshing none-the-less. I wonder then, what will become of our world when the New Year begins? Will we have forgotten all these innocent lives and moved on to our own selfish requests? Will we have forgotten to be kind to others? Will the memory of this tragic event disappear with the more current news of the world?  

I was lucky enough, to have my prayers answered by God, and to be blessed this Christmas with the sense of hope for a brighter tomorrow. I am drawn into the dreams of my future Christmas’ with a growing child, and with each New Year a better experience. I feel selfish as I read back to my former posts; how I have never asked for prayers for others, How I never considered that there may be others out there that deserve their prayers answered before my own. In fact, I follow an inspirational blog called Fertility Doll, about a woman who has been struggling with her infertility, faith, and emotion for five years. I honestly, can’t even imagine how angry I would be had my prayers not been answered by then!! Though, not once, have I mentioned her before, and not once had I asked for prayers in her name. As I approach the beginning of 2013, and reflect on bringing my child into a safer and more thoughtful world I will commit to offering more prayers for others (and not just when their tragedy is pasted on the news) and to continue living out the “26 acts of kindness” in all the ways possible, each and every month, after all who says such a thing needs a deadline?

If you are feeling so inclined I offer this challenge to you as well. I do not plan on posting about these acts of kindness again, because I feel like it is a personal sacrifice of self, and not to be revisited as a bragging right, though I will share with you my growth as a kinder more compassionate self and how I plan on using that knowledge to make me a better mother.  

   

Merry Christmas and Much Love,

XOXO Lesleigh

I've been postless, but NOT CHILDLESS!!! Baby P. ETA June 2013!!!

I have been spending the last couple of months pondering how I was going to bring forth my newest post to the blogger world. I am a creative soul and was driven to make a splash with an inticing headline, and great photo ops that make our news exciting and surprising, but lets face it, the news is surprising regardless. In fact, so much so, that when I first looked at that $18 Clear Blue indicator strip I fell into a state of denial, Hubby did too. For an entire week, perhaps even two we refused to believe the news as I waited day after day for the heatbreak of mother nature to welcome me in a cloak of red. That didn't happen, instead my breasts got tender (untouchable actually), my sense of smell became resemblant of a super power, accompanied by a complete disinterest in pretty much any food in existance. Still, I held firm that this was yet another one of my pseudo-pregnancy reactions as my brain tricked my body into believing the desires of my heart.

I was actually ANGRY, at a time when I should have fallen to my knees with clenched hands and offered up prayers of thankfulness to my God, I was filled with doubt and disbelief. The anger visited me when I realized that I was robbed of that excited moment that most women ( and their partners) get when they first see their big fat positive. I felt cheated and hurt that hubby wasn't jumping through the roof, and that somehow, in all of this infertility mess we lost the ability to be excited about it. We had tentatively made plans to share the news with our families on Christmas; this would buy us plenty of time to come up with something ubber creative, and get us well past the insecurity of the first trimester possibilies. Then a new spin was thrown at us, I was blessed with morning sickness with such angry ambition that I was forced to tell my workmates, which precipitated me telling friends that might possibly hear the rumor from workmates. So, when we knew of this destiny, we privately told our families over Thanksgiving dinner, at a mere 6 weeks gestation. It was a bittersweet moment, because we were excited to share this news, but at the bottom of our announcement lay our doubt, and guilt about sharing the news so potentially, dangerously early, and to top it all off, I was riddled with such nausea I could barely even lift my head from the table, forcing my smile to sit upside down upon my face.Of course, family were thrilled, and offered promises and prayers of a safe and happy pregnancy, some "oh you poor thing"s, and "Don't worry you will start to feel better in a couple of weeks".

Hubby and I continued to reflect on our news the week following the announcement, obviously, the morning sickness (which by the way LASTS ALL DAY AND NIGHT!!!) made this pregnancy real to us, along with now getting daily phone calls from family to remind us of our status as parents-to-be. Slowly the feeling that this is happening crept upon us, and somehow I have lowered my shoulders and started to breathe. After about five visits to local clinics to report that "I was Dying", and a trip to the ER when I suffered dehydration and required IV fluids I finally got in to see my own Doctor. I told him I was glad all this morning sickness was happening to me, because after everything I had been through to get here, at least I was provided with a daily reminder that things were still moving forward as planned. I let go of some of my doubt at that moment, and even more so when we got reports of suspected twins (WHICH IT IS NOT BTW), then I lost more doubt at our ultrasound where baby P danced up a storm and had a strong heatbeat of 160.

Since then, we have begun putting together a small collection of items in preparation, our financial and home related goals reflect baby P's pending arrival (meaning nursery preparation, and last minute home maintanance plans are underway). My disheveled/unhygenic, sickly state has been replaced by a more suitable "pregnancy glow", and my growing belly is currently being dressed in maternity or maternity-type wear. Acne and cold sores are my new frenemies, and food aversions are being replaced by an uncontrollable need to polish off WHOLE pinapples, or obsessions with Great Canadian Bagels. Family and coworkers are starting to recognize my baby bump, and appear to be offended when I wear clothing that disguises it. I have embraced pregnancy and have taken a general interest in educating myself in things like hypnobirthing, Doulas, and placenta encapsulation. My facebook visits are centered around my local mommas-buy-and-sell sites, and check-ins with my June babies pregnancy group. My smile has found its way back to its upright position, and hubby has finally learned to tread lightly around my rapidly changing moods (since now I function on emotional feelings, rather then a need-to-do basis). I have, with an immense amount of help from hubby, caught up on housework that was stationed on the back burner while I hung out with my toilet these past couple of months. Hubs and I have also been bouncing baby names off of each other to add to our growing list, and bets or guesses have been flowing in from those rooting for either team blue or team pink. I am HAPPY!!, a state of being that I have not seen in nearly two years since our battle with infertility first began, and most importantly, I am faithful, that God will provide for us in the way (deep down) I knew he always would.

On a side note, for those left wondering about my decisions regarding fertility specialists noted here. I did intend on seeing the pregnant specialist at the well-known fertility clinic, however, I got my positive test the day before my appt. to which they responded they could no longer see me for fertility issues (understandable) nor had the capacity to follow my pregnancy. So, instead I have moved on to a Midwife, whom I adore and is local to me, and we are very happy with our "Big Decision".

Lastly, I wanted to point out a very key piece of information my followers may or may not be aware of. Previously, my nephew Owen, had given me a life lesson about having babies. To which, he informed me that I needed to be thirty before I would be able to have babies. I will be turning thirty, in twenty days! Children often have wisdom, even adults can not possess! In keeping with my relationship with my nephews here is a suitable poem we have read together by one of my favorite authors;

Listen to the mustn'ts, child.
Listen to the don'ts.
Listen to the shouldn'ts, the impossibles, the won'ts.
Listen to the never haves,
Then listen close to me...
Anything can happen, child.
Anything can be.

-Shel Silverstein