So I have been talking about our issues a lot lately, since I have had an overwhelming response to this blog. Turns out, I am NOT alone, and that this issue of (sigh) infertility is closer to home then I ever thought. I won't call people out on it, but as it turns out I have a number of friends (from my very own facebook friends list) that are/were going through much of the same struggles. It makes me emotional just thinking about the positive responses, and, for those that came forward, they will never know how comforting it was to know I am not alone, and that I have been able to help others to speak more freely about it.
I have given many of you the impression that I am strong and courageous for doing what I have done and beginning this blog, but I want to be honest and tell you that I continue to be weak and fragile. For those of you that have been through it, you understand, it takes an incredibly long time to feel any sort of positive. For those of you that haven't been through it, just sit back and listen, because I am going to give you tips and tricks for helping me (and others you may know) through these dark ages.
Firstly, I hit rock bottom in my life in February/March. I took a stress leave from work after an incident and while I was off (for 6 weeks) I was certain being away from that stress would be just the ticket I needed to get pregnant. I even refused to complete all the WSIB forms because I felt like that was too much stress and would defeat my purpose of taking the leave. I was wrong about everything and the only thing that happened was that I had too much time on my hands to think about everything I was going through. I quickly became depressed, I rarely got out of bed, and If I did I most certainly didn't get out of my pajamas, nor shower. I didn't answer the phone, and I made excuses to avoid hanging out with my friends (or even my husband for that matter). I never cooked or cleaned and made every excuse in the book, because I didnt want Shane catching on to me. I felt like a failure because I couldn't get pregnant, and doubly so because now I couldn't even face my job. I was so weak spirited that I became obsessive with the idea of dying, though I was only passively suicidal so I knew I was never going to act out on it. I came to a point where I knew I needed to get "well" and the worst place for me to be was sitting in my childless home. I asked my Dr. to sign me back to work, and when I returned I discovered that three of my work mates were pregnant. With one girl inparticular I nearly lost my breath, I could feel butterflies in my stomach and felt like I was going to vomit, I was very excited for her, I know she will be a great mom, but I felt like it should have been me first, because she had only just gotten married. So, I continued to struggle at work too. After that I discussed, for the first time, how I was feeling with my sisters and my mom and they were in complete shock, because I had hidden so much of what I was feeling from them. My sisters cried (probably because they were frightened they might lose me) and I felt better just saying everything I was feeling. I told them everything, about how I knew I wanted to be a mom my whole life, and that If I couldnt become a mom, then I didnt see any other purpose in my life. I didnt want to live a childless life, because that is ALL I have ever wanted. Even when Shane and I were planning to get married, people would ask why I knew he was the one, and all those other typical marital questions. My response was "I am not marrying a husband, I am marrying the father of my children". It was during this conversation that I realized for my own health I desperately needed to start changing my attitude, no matter how hard it was to get passed it all. Here are the steps to my success:
1. Appropriate Your Anger and Have Thankfulness for What is Good. I was filled with so much anger and I needed to discover the source of my it and stop misappropriating it on the ones I loved (Shane in particular). For a long time I thought I was angry with God for withholding from me my hearts deepest desires, but when I really thought about it, it wasn't like that at all. I know our life is blessed by God, he blesses us and comes through for us through all our struggles. We have a beautiful home, reliable vehicles, our dogs, our families, and great careers, whenever we start to go through a financial struggle we always end up getting a surprise cheque in the mail (true story). So I know beyond a Shadow of a doubt he is looking after us. Shane, Bless his soul, provides me with love when I need it, space when i need it, chocolate (often), he challenges me when I am feeling negative, and he is always there to point out our blessings when I am feeling abandoned (even if I am not ready to hear it). So, what I discovered, is that my anger stems from my need to control things, my need to have what I want when I need it, and my fear of whats to come. Its ok to feel that, as long as I know what my fears and angers are, I can work on them. I am learning to let go of my need to control, I am learning to be less selfish and impatient, and I am learning to trust God, and be thankful because even without kids (right now) Shane and I are still in an awesome place.
2. Live the Life You Want to Live. Taking on the concept of the power of positive thinking, I decided I wasn't going to hold myself back from making purchases or plans for baby. Since then, I continue to do my monthly jaunt around town checking out second hand stores, as I have always done, only now I will buy those "too cheap to pass up" baby purchases that I was so skeptical about before. I feel happier that I am preparing for baby, and it is distracting me from my negative feelings about the issue. I am still unsure if this is going to bite me in the ass (if no stork brings a delivery to our doorstep), but it makes me feel better for now, and has defintely lifted my spirits. Besides, I have gotten a gorgeous antique dresser, and cradle, that I just couldnt pass up. My theory behind it all is that if I continue to prepare for baby, then baby will surely come.
3. Explore Your Other Life Desires. Because I have been so emotionally attached to being a mother, I began feeling like there was no purpose in my life if I didnt have children. It was difficult for me, but I wanted to come up with a Plan B that would make me equally as happy as motherhood. So a discussion with Dear Hubby ensued, and I decided that if we don't succeed (which we will) we will buy a wonderful farm and open our own doggie daycare (as pups are the next best thing to babes). Much to my husbands dismay (as he saw dollar signs flashing before him) he agreed in an effort to save our marriage if things don't work out on the baby front.
4. Research and Educate Yourself. I began following blogs of other women and their accounts of their experiences. I also google everything I feel or am curious about regarding my fertiltiy medications, strategies, etc. I began reading parenting magazines, in particular, ones that have articles about infertility. I have taken a deep interest in all these issues and even though I didn't intend on it, I am getting very well educated and informed about the matter. I know the womens body far more then I ever cared to and now I feel empowered by my knowledge.
5. Document Your Emotions. Again, I can't even tell you how much this blog has helped me. Just the other day I told my husband that it has given me something to wake up in the morning and be excited to work on. Prior to putting it all into this electronic journal, I was feeling low and defeated. I would often cry in the middle of a conversation with no real reason or understanding of why I was crying. I felt like I was slipping away from Shane, and others around me. I felt abandoned and completely alone. The only person who truly knew how I was feeling was Shane, and he couldn't fully understand because he is full of testosterone, and that impedes his ability to be at my emotional level. Since starting this blog I feel freed and hopeful. I feel like I am once again fulfilling a purpose (helping others through similar circumstances) and exposing myself and my secret life to the world no longer to be a shameful experience. I am also releasing the blame I put on myself and have recognized that its not my fault. Not all women want to share their innermost feelings with the world (I was certainly skeptical about it) so share it in a personal journal, or start a private email to a close friend that would understand. I began a blog after a long talk with Shane where we discussed that some of my behaviours indicated that I had buried a lot of my emotion and wasn't properly releasing them (my increased shopping habit is always a good indicator that I am feeling extra stressed and overwhelmed with emotion) so this was the next best thing.
6. Seek Help from professionals. For me, I dont have an excuse because I have an awesome Employee Assistance Program that provides me with free counselling, although I haven't quite explored this route yet. Shane and I had marriage counselling prior to our wedding, it was our choice, so that we could overcome some of our fears about marriage and commitment (since the rising divorce rates caused a lot of anxiety for us). Having an appointment each week to spend time together and "talk" was the best thing we ever did, because we couldnt avoid it. For Shane, it was a way to learn to communicate his emotions (as guys generally lack this ability) and it has had a lasting effect on our communication with each other. I recently read an article that said many women with fertility issues are also turning to Doulas (A woman who assists another woman during labor and provides support and education to her, the infant, and the family after childbirth.) at an earlier stage to help support and educate them even through their infertility. Doulas often have many resources that they would recommend and best of all they take a much more naturopathic approach. Other resources are womens centres, and infertility clinics.
For those of you that haven't been through it, and are simply reading these posts to support me, or out of general curiosity, I'd love to teach you how to support me, not that these issues are currently a concern because I love and appreciate the support you have given thus far.
1. Be an open Ear. Just listen silently, because when I tell you how I am feeling, I am not looking for advice or even sympathy, I am simply looking for someone to listen. More often then not when I talk about it I manage to sort out my thoughts and find my own solution to the problem.
2. Don't Pretend to Understand If You Don't. Honestly, I am so thrilled and happy that you havent had to go through what I am going through. Your Uterus is loved and loves you in return, that is awesome! You don't need to pretend to have struggled for my sake. I get that you are feeling inclined to provide an experience so I don't feel alone, but if its not similar, then its actually more hurtful then good. (All you ladies that have told me your experience with infertility, I am not talking about you). PLEASE DO, lift me up with encouraging words, that you mean from your heart. Remind me that my husband loves me, and our marriage is strong enough to handle this. Tell me you are here for me every step of the way (and mean it), and most definitely, bring me chocolate!
3. Never (Ever) Tell Me About An Unwanted Pregnancy. Although I appreciate everyones struggle, I really can't handle listening to a story about someone you know that just got an abortion, and how sad for me to go through this when others are CHOOSING to get rid of their child. Women who have unwanted pregnancies go through their very own struggles (an experience I would never want to live through). What I am going through is much much different, and it is quite painful to hear of this when I know I would love and cherish that child with every fibre of my being.
4. Share this Blog With Women You Know. Part of my journey is to help other women, since I have so unfortunately been blessed with knowledge to live through this experience. I want to share this blog in an attempt to free women from their shame, and guilt regarding their own struggles. No longer do we need to be a prisoner of our situation.
I don't want to scare any of you wonderful people away, I just want you to know that as strong and open as I may seem, I would still appreciate if you treaded lightly around these topics (and I am sure your friends in this situation would appreciate it too). In return I promise to be there for you and provide you with the utmost sincerity and compassion through your lifes struggles if they should arise. So far, I have been filled with so much love and support that my heart is overflowing, I can never fully express the joy this has brought me.
Much Love,
Lesleigh
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