Fall Fantasies

There is something about the cold chill and the fall scent in the air that always gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling. I remember feeling this way as a little girl and imagining that one day I would have my own little family, and we would pack up all our food and hibernate like bears through the winter season playing board games and reading books together. As soon as September comes to an end my body and senses are in full nostalgic effect, as I take in all the smells of dry colour-changed leaves, fresh corn, and pumpkin and squash pies. In fact, just today, I woke from an afternoon nap, to find Shane cooking a homemade squash soup, and when I came downstairs I was greeted with lit scented candles filling the air and complimenting the rich odour of the soup. The lights were dim and there was a warmth in the air, I found myself staring around the room thinking how great it would be to have my family established at this moment. I mean to some, bundling up kids in jackets and scarves is a daunting task, but to me its the epitome of fall. There is nothing more that I want during these fun fall seasons then a little family surrounding me. Besides its the season of Thanksgiving, and that is the greatest gift to be thankful after all.

Then on my way to work this evening, I had to stop to pick up an item I bought online from a local homeowner. When I stopped at my destination, I was again reminded of the warmth and peace of fall when I saw their front porch and gardens decked out in fall adornment. When I rang the bell and the door was opened, there inside was a large family sitting around their dining table. I was overwhelmed by the Aura of pumpkin spices and vanilla complemented by warmth invited by the neutral walls and orange accents. It was like a scene out of a magazine, I swear! I can only imagine that this is a typical Sunday dinner for this family, and felt a tiny sting of jealousy before leaving. I got back into my car and began my drive into work, and as I drove I was reciting the words of this blog in my head. I know most of this blog surrounds the imaginings of what could be (if we could actually just have kids in our life), but more then anything FALL brings these desires out in me.

I imagine walking a pram down the street, with my husband and dogs by my side, taking in all the colours of the leaves, as the crisp air leaves a chill in my nose as I breathe. I imagine, adorning my front porch with long corn husks, bales of hay, and pumpkins and gourds, or raking fallen leaves into large piles and jumping through them in joyous laughter. Just thinking about it I can already feel the warmth of my home, and the perfumes of lit candles, and fresh apple cider or pumpkin pie. It is enough to make anyone want to begin a career in baking (or maybe just me). Cuddling under blankets and watching movies are a fall favourite past-time, and wrapping up in woollen scarves to prevent the dreaded cold weather illnesses.

Perhaps maybe I am much too often caught up in a dream world, or maybe I am hopeful and relentless on not giving up on the desires of my heart. Maybe this blog is far-too-often an account of all the things I wish my life could be, but that's who I am and what I do. I like to know (within reason) what is coming up in my near future, I like to plan and prepare, and more importantly, perfect all the things I do in my life and unfortunately for me, each time I try to gain control over this particular endeavour, I am reminded with the next breath that I am not. The only sure thing about our plan for a family, is that none of it is certain. I can only hope and pray, and enjoy the little moments where I am able to escape this reality and imagine an alternative to our life.

And, just because I know he needs to know; Shane you are a part of this life, And all the ones I could possibly imagine for myself. Through all of this heartache and frustration, your love is a welcome constant. Please promise me you will never let me get lost in all my "Could have beens" and remember to appreciate all that I have now.