Big Decisions

I'm sitting here at McDonald's (a place I rarely go to eat) and stressing (the only reason why I would even consider eating McDonalds). Today isn't a good day, well I can't lie, it started out ok, but then I got a phone call from the new fertility clinicI am supposed to be going to. I would have thought this would  be exciting since we just got a referral to a renound fertility clinic and specialists that "can get any woman pregnant" but not today. I found out this morning the wait list for my particular specialist would land me an April appointment, which means no treatment until June or later, or my other option is to take an appt with another specialist in two weeks (ok, better). Still there was a catch, the other specialist is pregnant and due in November, which means even with this route I still won't be doing an treatment until February. So these are the options I'm left with, and I have to say the timelines terrify me. I feel confused and overwhelmed, and like I should be running to my bed and spending the rest of the afternoon crying. I just don't understand how some receptionist could just call me up and casually tell me (like its no big deal) that my life is most definitely going to be on hold until at least February and thats only if I opt for the specialist that I wasn't referred to. It is so much to think about, on one hand I have a Specialist that I am established with, granted there is no "relationship" between us since I am not a fan of his bedside manner and his general lack of interest in investigating our circumstances. You would think this guy would be all over that considering his pre-Gyno career was being a cop. I suppose he traded in metaphorical douchebags for literal ones (sorry for the lame humor). Alternatively, I can go ahead and transfer to the new specialist (that I specifically asked to be referred to based on trusting recommendations) and wait until April for an appointment, or accept his colleague and have my initial assessment during the first week in October, however, my progess will be put on hold for this Dr.s maternity leave and treatments won't start until February. This new clinic, by-the-way also happens to be an hour away which is also a negative. On the plus side, I still have three months of medication from the first specialist to get me through until January, but it still doesn't make my decision anymore definitive.

I keep thinking about the possibility that there is still some undiagnosed problem, and that if I make the decision to stay with Specialist. #1 (my current one) February will creep up without conception, and how I would feel so terrible for not having taken the leap to the new Specialist right now. The new specialist (and renouned fertility clinic) will dive right into all the necessary investigations no matter how painful or invasive, and make all attempts to RULE OUT any issues right away, which would be scary-YES! But also very comforting, because we would finally be able to move on knowing there is or isn't something else to worry about. Specialist #1 barely gives me time to take a seat in the chair in his office before dismissing me from my appointment, so I can't imagine I would be getting anywhere with him anytime soon, and even if I did, I certainly can't imagine him poking and prodding at my maternal body all throughout my pregnancy since he already makes my skin crawl.

Ugh... Even as I am writing this all out I can visualize a chart of pros and cons about each, and it really isnt anymore settling. I know I am leaning toward transferring to the new clinic, I mean this is what I have wanted for the last three months since first learning about it, but It certainly doesn't come without a price, well not literally, YEAH Canadian Healthcare!! I have been doing really well emotionally the past month or month and a half, but I feel like this news has set me back a few notches, and I feel like I am losing hope, Again!

Please.... I am begging you... offer some input, because Shane and I could most definitely use some unbiased opinions.