Surviving Infertility: Our Story

Us in January 2012

Besides the obvious (doing our part in preventing the extinction of human kind) this is our story to share what we've been through and how far we have come. I am going to warn you, I will be honest about my feelings, but they are not always pleasant since this journey has stretched me thin, and made forceful attempts at straining my relationship with God and the people around me. None-the-less The purpose of this blog is to release me of my negative attitudes and continue hurdling forward until we have the family life we have always desired.

I have always known I wanted to be a mother and, as a mentioned before, since the time I was old enough to cradle a doll in my arms I have been committed to living a life fit to bear a child (or a dozen). I made conscious decisions to live free of all of the peer pressures youth face because as I would always say, I want to be able to teach my children my experience and not rely on the old  "Do as I say and not as I do" mantra. So it would seem only natural that for a woman of my desires and commitment it would be an easy task, and in no time I would be blessed with the whole Million dollar family thing, but instead I am dealt this nearly unbearable, heart-wrenching ordeal.

Shane always had reservations about having children, though he always knew there was a time and place in his life for them, he just wasn't filled with the comfort and ease that I was about the idea and since I know men struggle to step up to the task when they aren't ready, I waited until he was. I can remember when he began to warm up to the idea and when he finally told me "lets do it" (although later telling me "lets not" and continuing this back and forth for a few months) I was so excited, and looking at him and, the idea of him being a father, filled my heart with such an abundance of joy and love. That was nearly two years ago!

So it began... the exciting baby dancing, coming up with creative ways we would share the news with our families, watching mothers and fathers with their children on the streets while we secretly discussed their behaviors in a "I would/ would not do..." dialect. It was a fun time an exciting time, a time when my DH once said (spoken in a deep-from-the-throat male voice) "It only takes one time, I come from a long line of super sperm" (a small part of me believes this was the very moment I became infertile, you know the whole "Jinxed" thing). That lasted for eight months, before we made an appointment with our general practitioner to discuss our concerns.

Our first appt. was uneventful, Doc, said that It’s not a concern unless it has been over a year and to come back in January if we still weren't pregnant.

This brings me to a very important point that I must take a moment to discuss, the Canadian healthcare system is such a letdown if they are going to  make people wait a whole year before they even attempt to discuss or diagnose any concerns. In being frank about my struggles with the people in my everyday life, I have encountered the stories of others and have come to find out that Drs are treating forty-something women with these same standards. I mean, come on, how could they not expect these women who are now easing out of their prime baby-making life not want to hurry the process. Especially when there is an increased health risk for both baby and mom at that time. It is an understatement to say that I was (and continue to be) disappointed with our healthcare in these circumstances.

None-the-less we took Docs advice and continued TTC (trying to conceive). We returned to his office the following January (2012) and reported our concerns, Again! This time he listened and, as I mentioned in my previous post, filled us with statistics and information that we didn't fully comprehend. Driving home (equipped with lab requisitions, Specimen bottle, and an upcoming Ultrasound appointment) I cried, we argued over the information, and we accepted our fate as an infertile couple. Ultrasound was normal, b/w was normal, and DH provided his sample at a special lab in a special circumstance (a public washroom with a janitor banging on the bathroom door to rush him). Since you should be informed for future reference, a sperm specimen requires immediate testing and should therefore be a fresh sample at a lab that has their own testing resources (not shipped away somewhere). After we completed our tests our Doc. referred us to a Fertility clinic, where we would meet our Specialist. I don't want to talk badly about a specialist (especially one I am still currently seeing) but I felt like the very piece of numbered paper I pulled from the little red dispenser when I walked into his office, just another piece of disposable trash. Regardless, we talked with him, and with some very simple weekly blood tests during one month we came to the conclusion that I do not Ovulate. In hindsight, I had a the signs of this problem since I first hit puberty (irregular periods, dark hairs on my chin, acne, abdominal pain, and lower back pain which I had investigated years ago for suspected endometriosis). I couldn't believe it was that simple, and yet, we had to wait for a year (and three months by that time) to finally get this done! So with that the Specialist prescribed an oral medication that he prescribes for infertility (though its main purpose is to treat Breast Cancer). We lost another month, because the medication has a strict schedule to be taken on Day 3-7 of a womens cycle (and as luck would have it, I visited the Specialist to get the prescription on day 10 or so). 

So that was it, our prayers were answered, we were fixed now! Except... we weren't, or at least not yet. Our first month of the Fertility medications proved to be a very challenging for me. Complete with severe abdominal cramping, lower back pain, fluctuating emotions, and elevated temps. The specialist had instructed me to monitor for Cervical mucus to make sure I could identify when I was ovulating (aka the billings method) but I didn't even need to the pain and discomfort I felt during my week leading up to and including ovulation was so strong I already knew my cycle. Apparently 1 in 5 women are able feel their ovulation period. I was having blood work done weekly so the Specialist could verify that I had in fact ovulated this time. I felt ok the following week, but continued to have discomforting cramps, tender breasts and a bloated abdomen for the two weeks after that. In fact, on a special dinner/movie date I had cramps so bad that I told my husband that I was certain I had an ectopic pregnancy and that I was now in labor (an idea stemmed from watching to many episodes of  “I didn't know I was pregnant"). My period came the next morning, full steam!! I was so ill from the cramps and bleeding I swore I was never taking the medication again. I will refrain from describing the details, however, I joked that my circumstances that of a "murder scene". I visited a clinic, because I was certain I was losing too much blood, and the ruled out a few possibilities, before telling me to stop taking the medications and see my specialist right away. Two days later, I took my number from the red dispenser, sat depressed in the waiting room filled with pregnant women (why wouldn't they have a separate waiting room for the infertile, anyway???)  and waited. The specialist knew everything I was about to tell him, because the blood work said it all. I was pregnant, once! I had a seed, but it never lived long enough to bloom, all the pain and bleeding wasn't normal after all it was simply a chemical pregnancy or as we are more familiar a miscarriage. Once again, I fell into the minority... 25% of women who experience this, and the statistics increase for women who have had one. 

So, I walked out passed the room full of pregnant women though I only noticed the two young pregnant girls in the corner, and felt a surge of anger. I decided at that moment I had two ways of looking at this,

1. My life sucks, I am a failure, and everything bad that could happen to me will, OR

2. This is a success! After all this was the first time that I was able to get pregnant, and it was ONLY the first month of the medication. My heart was lifted, once again I had a speckle of hope. After much research, I have come to discover that a chemical pregnancy is a womens insurance policy for a healthy baby. It is our bodys ability to assess the quality of the sperm and egg and naturally abort a less than ideal seed. So, despite my misfortune, I was actually protected from a potentially worse medical and emotional disaster in the future.

So that brings me to now, today marks one week from that devastating news. I may feel like a failure on the motherhood front, but I have mastered success in picking myself up again, and my husband has learned to be a bigger support than ever. So we have begun month two of the fertility drugs, this time adding prenatal vitamins, folic acid, Vitamin B12, and Omega 3 to my medication regime, and our hope continues for a brighter future!

"Through better, for worse, in sadness and joy"