Birds, Bees, And A Little Medical Intervention

Spending most of my life in a predominantly female industry I am consistently reminded of the ease in which some women can get pregnant, since with each new day I see yet another coworker with the makings of a baby bump. I was caught in thought the other day and was reminded of how long this process has been, it may not be as long as it feels (and it feels like forever), but I am slowly seeing woman-after-woman filter back into work after their year long maternity leave. I reminisce back to the beginning when I was still naive enough to believe was that all it took was a little of the birds and the bees analogy and I would be preggers. Now I am watching as others are throwing one year birthday parties for their children and reluctantly returning to work in a guilty mood for causing the teary drop-off at the sitters. I just can't help but think, that should have been me! Although, I also can't help but think that I still get to  look forward to a one year hiatus from work. I do feel like this is anniversary of sorts as should I have gotten pregnant back when we first started, we too would be celebrating Baby P's first birthday too.

Despite my little mumble above, I am feeling much, much better. I have been in positive spirits lately and this past month was the first where I didn't count out the days of my cycle, spend every moment thinking about fertility, imagine pregnancy symptoms, or cry. I simply just lived my life as I wished and "let it be". I didn't get pregnant, I didn't even really try, I just enjoyed being, since my own self somehow got smothered under all of this nonsense. I have been able to rediscover me, and I've been working on recognizing what else I'd like to accomplish in life. I am starting a new job in October, mainly in my attempt to remove all unnecessary stressors from my life I will be still at the same facility but I will be on a whole new unit with a lot less political drama. Shane too is on a career curve as he is wrapping up his final year of his electrical apprenticeship and he couldn't be more thrilled to be ending that lengthy chapter in his life. Together, we have finally been back to our general practitioner for a referral to a new fertility specialist, and an appointment is now currently in the works. It will mean a much longer drive for appointments, but to us its a small price to pay for the opportunity to see the most recommended Specialist in the area and a being a part of this state-of-the-art facility.

I recently attended a Baby shower for a cousin, a very cute, perfectly nostalgic Peter Rabbit themed baby girl shower. It was filled with plenty of smiles, food, and games, and the most delicious lemon raspberry cupcakes one could imagine. My mom and I created a fantastically girly, pink and yellow diaper cake complete with all the frilly embellishments.  We got her the expected adorable baby girl outfit, and even splurged a little for the "big sister" their dog. Then it happened my aunt whispered in my ear "Lesleigh, it will be your turn next. I commend you for coming here today", I swallowed hard, as my eyes welled up and I stood stunned as I tried make sense of this. I had come to a point where I was comfortable with what I have been dealt, now I am being reminded that its okay to feel the pain. Up until that point, It never even crossed my mind that this was sad for me. This mom-to-be is a new family member in my life (married to my cousin) and I look forward to getting to know her, she is older then me, been married longer, it only seemed natural that these two people would be having children first. But those words made me really wonder, how do I really feel? I wiped the tears from my eyes, and decided, I could let this bother me, I had every right to be sad, angry, and upset, OR I could just be happy for this new life that is coming into the world to this wonderful family, and I still am a part of it. It has taken me ages to get to this point, but It feels so incredibly good to know that I have the strength to enjoy even these moments, so much more then felling bad for myself ever did. It feels so good to be me again!