For as long as I can remember I have wanted to be a mother, I lived and breathed the idea of being a mother, I was quite possibly obsessed with the idea of being a mom. I had plenty of dolls that were my babies which is normal for a young girl, but in my case it carried past the "normal" age in which doll loving was acceptable. It wasn't even so much that I loved my dolls but that I believed they were real. I had a nursery set up in my closet where I would feed and change my baby every morning before school, and where she would sleep in her cradle until I arrived home. I was emotional about leaving my doll, in the same way a mother would be to leave her child at a sitters. It wasn't the only thing I wanted in my life, but it was certainly the most important.
Back then, my ideal life was to have a career (a pediatrician), an unlimited supply of money, days would be endless, and I could be home with my child(ren) every second of the day. There was no need for baby-sitters, because, I some how thought I could have it all, do it all, and be everywhere all at once. Growing up you soon realize the days are much shorter then you ever imagined, a career (especially one in pediatrics) takes a lot of time and dedication to achieve, money is very difficult to come by, and passes out of your pocket much faster then it got there, and I can not be home with my child all the time (nor does he need me to). My point is, nothing in life is as we expect it, but there is still hope for true happiness as long as we can learn to live our life for ourselves and stop comparing our accomplishments to one another.
As I am on maternity leave and have plenty of time to think, plan, and organize how I become a hands-on-parent, hardworking employee, loving wife, dedicated homemaker, and a thin and sexy female, I realize it is a fine art to accomplish it all. In fact, such a fine art, that I think very few women would actually be able to say they achieve it.
I think I can speak for many, if not all women, when I say we often compare ourselves to the women around us. It is, after all, a completely natural way of scoring our abilities and building goals for a new and improved self. Of course I want to score 100% in all these areas, however, I have just recently come to the realization that we only have 100% to give. There are only 7 days in a week, only 24 hours in one day, and 60 minutes in one hour. No matter which way we look at it, or whose eyes we are viewing the world from, this calculation of time always holds true.
I am different then the woman that lives next to me, and the ones across from me are their own persons too. My priorities are different, as to, are my values, my goals, and my visions for my future. Sure, my husband believes its possible for me to spend 2 hours every night at the gym, after all, he does see a fine, fit, young woman there every day, but surely there is something in her life that is missing, something both my husband and I value deeply in mine/ours.
I could sacrifice story-time with my son, or dinner with my whole family, I could give up the little time I get to myself before I turn out the lights for the night. I could sacrifice my daily driving time (if we could move closer to my work), or drop hours and go part-time at work (in turn losing benefits, sick time, pension, cash flow etc.). There are plenty of things I could give up to look like her, but I won't. I value all those things in my life, and as a family we need them. That skinny chick at the gym, well, shes not me. She doesn't have to look my son in the eye and say good-bye, each time she heads to the gym. She doesn't have to work my 12 hour shifts 3-5 times a week. She does not have to keep my house clean or cook my meals. Nor does she feed and walk my dogs, or pleasure my husband. Sure she has her own responsibilities, but she values hers differently then me.
I briefly imagined entertaining her gym habits for the week, and what I felt was an emptiness, like I had done myself a huge injustice. Whether or not I would enjoy myself, felt great physically, lost 10lbs, or got compliments from strangers, even if I won a cash award for most dedicated gym member, nothing would dissolve the guilt I felt or the sadness that consumed me as the other areas I value more greatly in my life suffered from this dedication.
This isn't just about going to the gym, it's also about that woman that does 12+ hours of overtime each week at work too. Or the Facebook mom that posts new activities or events she has done with her child everyday, its about the friend that has sex with her husband 5x a week, or the neighbor that leaves the house with a full face of make-up, perky boobs, and hair in ringlets everyday (even when shes just walking down to the mailbox), its about all the things I am not, and never will be, because even though I'd like to think I could, I will never be ALL of them all the time, and still be happy.
Life, is not generated from a computer program where we pick and chose the qualities of the people we admire then build one totally awesome avatar. Its about building on our natural abilities, our interests, our values, and our qualities, and dividing our 100% realistically amongst the responsibilities we have in our own life. I can not decide on my own evaluation in my life then compare it to that of my neighbor because then, of course, my numbers would never add up. Whats important is that I compare it to my own history and add a little tweaking here-and there so I am happier today.
Lets just say my evaluation looks like this;20% Marriage
20% Motherhood
20% Career
10% Dog-lover
10% Homemaker
10% Health/wellness
5% Friendships
5% Sleep/Rest/Spirituality
100% My Life- Complete Happiness
If I changed my evaluation for anyone, but myself, It would never make me as happy as this one. There is only one way I can live my life to accomplish all that I strive to accomplish and balance all that is important to me at the same time. My boss can not tell me to invest more at work, my husband can not tell me to give more of myself to him, my son can not expect me to stay home with him each and everyday, and the skinner chick at the gym can not make me feel inadequate as long as I stay true to my own evaluation of my life, score myself based on my own accomplishments and abilities, and love myself for who I am.
There is always room for self-improvement, of course, but the desire has to be built deep within your heart, and the evaluation of your life has to balance at 100%. We ARE capable of giving 110% from time-to-time, but its unrealistic to believe that we are capable of accomplishing that on a regular basis without the whole pyramid crashing down on us.
In short, I refuse to be judged by my inability to hit the gym more than 'that girl', or work as efficiently as 'this one' because I am happy with the evaluation I have set out for myself, and although I may not be meeting it today, I have tomorrow to improve on it.
I want to make my husband proud, I want to make my dogs happy, I want to be fit-and well (within my means), have a neat and tidy home, cook dinner half of the time (after all my husband is there to help too), be a great friend, and I want to be clean, well dressed, and rested. The number one thing I will never compromise from my childhood expectations is being the mother I always new I wanted to be (minus the unrealistic time I thought I could spend with him). I can not change the desires of my heart, but I can always learn to be true to them.
"There Is A Voice Inside Of You
That Whispers All Day Long,
"I Feel That This Is Right For Me,
I Know That This Is Wrong."
No Teacher, Preacher, Parent, Friend
Or Wise Man Can Decide
What's Right For You- Just Listen To
The Voice That Speaks Inside.
-Shel Silverstein
<3 Lesleigh
(portrait photographs by Cassie Vosburgh Photography)
No comments:
Post a Comment